Dirty Musicians

It is of no surprise to anyone that I find myself in the most ridiculous situations. Be it karma, coincidence, curse, voodoo, whatever - my life is ridiculous. More specifically my dating life, if you could even call it that, is beyond insane. I wish I made these things up. Sadly, I have found myself in some pretty outlandish situations, I'm not one to be shocked very often, however.. this "date" (more of a hangout).. left me speechless. Until now.

As some of my close friends know, I have a thing for musicians. Passionate, dirty looking, tattoo-covered musicians. I like beards and long hair on a man, it's a real problem, a damn sexy one though. Being that I live in Austin, I am in no short of them. I could throw a rock and hit 10 dirty musicians, it's like Christmas year round. With that said, I have been, for lack of a better word, "talking" to this guy.. nothing serious or consistent even.. but phone tag and texting nonetheless. He is in a band that I actually like and was familiar with and a fan of before meeting him personally, which was a nice turn of events. (My ex was in a band.. that well.. just wasn't my thing, great people - other than him.. not so lovely tunes.)  So color me giddy when this guy who shall remain nameless asked me to hang out with him multiple times, I was borderline groupie happy.

I have heard some stories about this guy from close mutual friends.. he didn't exactly have a great reputation but I knew that he wasn't into dating seriously and I didn't see him as a real boyfriend-material prospect. I saw him as a piece of dirty sexy meat. Someone who I knew I would have fun with -eventually. So I agreed to meet him out one night, rather than go over to his house where he wanted to cook me dinner. I wanted something with less pressure..and alcohol - this was a must. So I met him out, I knew he had been drinking but he seemed fine.. we talked, we laughed ...we drank. I had a shot because I needed to loosen up, he then proceeds to tell me he appreciates me going to the shows blah blah blah, he really likes me blah blah blah. He's sorry he hasn't been in town much, they've been on the road and other stuff like that which I appreciated. The more open he was being the more uncomfortable it made me, though. I think he felt that so he then proceeds to flip a switch and tells me not to be afraid of him, that he's not feeding me lines (a line in itself).. he genuinely likes me, I'm taking his shit and giving it back to him which he's impressed with etc. I guess me being semi distant and hard to read coupled with day drinking did not sit well with him. He got a bit of an ego with me and said that I needed to stop trying to have the upper hand and tell him how I felt, loosen up and I needed to quit being scared of him. Out of frustration I said.. "listen, I'm not scared of you. I don't take compliments well, I don't like to talk about feelings, especially since I don't really know you and it makes me uncomfortable, you're not very scary anyway." He did not like that. He replies with "Oh, I can be real scary, but you shouldn't be scared. I'll treat you like a queen and fuck everyone up who doesn't" Immature, but sweet.. (clearly I have issues.) I replied with, "what... are you going to cut me up and wear my skin as a mask or something?" "no" "then I have no reason to be scared.. so chill out."

Somewhere in that conversation and me releasing my inner diva..he's looking at me like someone in the hunger games and I'm the food. He takes me by complete surprise and says "you're so fucking sexy I want to tell you everything I want to do to you." Caught completely off guard the only thing I can say is, "please don't, that's creepy.. wait, you do want to wear my skin as a mask, don't you?"

His voice gets louder , "No, I want to rip off all your clothes and paint on your naked body. I want to paint trees everywhere." I cover his mouth.. it's a quiet bar and people are looking. He continues and gets louder, "I want to eat you out for two hours!" I am in shock. My response, "that's not even possible." "let's try" he says.  I am just sitting there, embarrassed, slightly intrigued, but mostly embarrassed and pissed. We were having a good time and he went and fucked it up. He clearly can tell I'm upset and on the verge of slapping him then in his attempt to apologize, which he does.. he follows it up with - you should get the fuck away from me. I'm no good for you. You're too good, too pretty, way too smart. I'm an asshole and you don't deserve it, but if you stay.. we're going back to my place and I'm going to do everything I said, to you."

Needless to say, I got up and walked away. Not without a last word though. I walked a few steps turned around and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you. We were having a good time, and spare me the bullshit self-deprecating act, if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be. And don't you go blaming me for walking out. You are to blame - who says that shit. I don't even know you and you're telling me what you want to do to me. Come on bro, get your shit together."

Enough is enough. Some girls get all the luck, I get the sex crazed ego-maniacs. Awesome. I swear, I must have a sign on my head that says, "Douchelords Welcome."

 Musicians - 4, Sam - 0.

Beware: Wrong Vibes

I'm pissed. If you are a member of my family.. please kindly stop reading.

Sorry, had to start off with that, it's that kind of blog. So I don't know what it is about me, some sort of vibe I must unknowingly be giving off that says, "douche canoes welcome! Please come on too strong, thoroughly creep me out, treat me shitty and by all means, yes send me dick pics" Because.. that is my life. If I knew what this "vibe" was please trust, I'd be shutting that shit down, real quick.

Now that I got that out there.. here is my issue. Yes, I am very open (hence this blog), Yes, I am forward at times. Yes, I curse like a sailor and I am super inappropriate. Yes, I enjoy having sex.

NO, it is not ok to send me a dick pic before meeting me. No, it is not ok to tell your friends that I will be seduced by a dick pic. No, you shouldn't assume I will sleep you you. No, you shouldn't assume I will hook up with your friend who is in town.

It's like I can't win. I am not the damsel in distress type who is cutesie and fake. I can't pretend to laugh at all your jokes or make you think I give two shits about how many points you scored in your bullshit recreational league. I don't care that you were a big deal in high school. I don't need you rescue me. I sure as shit don't need anyone to cook for or clean up after. Yet, those girls get the loving phone calls, the pet names like "sugar, baby, etc" Those girls get the attentiveness. Me, I get secret admirer dick pics, late night calls, texts on weekend nights- only. Basically, somehow someone decided I was going to be the girl you observe the "twitter" rule with. No messages over 140 characters, as my coworker explained. Well fuck that. I am unleashing the bitch. I've already severed ties with a few guys who thought this was acceptable. I will call out the next idiot who decides a dick pic is a perfectly acceptable introduction, and for the love of God, If you are going to send a dick pic.. make sure it is hard. No one, and I mean NO ONE finds a flacid penis attractive.

What I don't want...I think?

Disclaimer: there is no scientific/psychological/ evidence to prove the theory below, mostly just my personal feelings.. it's a rant, ok. Don't be so serious.

Through all my ups and downs regarding men I've come to realize-- well, not much; but I've come to realize that i know exactly what I DON'T want. It's a start. I'd call that progress.. I was a real trainwreck before (if you can believe that it was worse). Oh. It was so much worse.

So this guy that has been a somewhat promising prospect, I've now decided unbeknownst to him, that he is just not something I want to pursue. 

Now let me explain. I too, think its almost completely ridiculous that me, a single as fuck/cursed dater/perpetual victim of infidelity is turning someone away?! The reason being, he's got that Bro problem or how I describe the Jeckyll & Hyde issue. He constantly tells me how much of a "nice" guy he is and that he is usually the one to get hurt. RED FLAG because every guy I've ever dated that screwed me over claimed to be the nice guy and the one who typically gets hurt. Sure buddy, I'll remember that when you cheat on me like the rest did before you. Which leads me to his next fault; to defend himself in any argument he has on multiple occasions to placate me said, "I'm not those guys you've dated before"...etc. Well played, douche. You're right, at least those guys were charming enough to get me to fall for them first. All of his (Mr. Hyde) actions are contradicting everything he, (Dr. Jeckyll -ish) says . He argues with me, brings up my past, he's  flaky, disappears ... etc. 

What keeps him as a prospect, or has kept him you wonder? He is a master at the grand gesture. He is ultra romantic and is a typical Prince Charming when he falls out of my good graces. I finally realized that I really don't like him in the day to day, small things, kind of way. I love his romantic, grand gestures, sweeping me off my feet -side of him... but that only happens after a few days, weeks even of anger, let down etc. I am just not willing to have to deal with that anymore. It is too stressful and the bad definitely outweighs the good, in this situation.

Now.. I know it's one thing to describe his behavior it but here is a real-life situation.

He goes to another state for a job for a few weeks and I don't hear from him. Something traumatic happens and he calls me and won't stop. In an effort to be a better human being, I foolishly am there for him during this tough time. Then I don't hear from him for a while and find out (via Facebook) that he's back in Texas. I, in a drunken fit of rage, text him and tell him I'm done. We have this long (on his part) conversation, mostly my one word responses and his overly explained excuses. Where in the end, I end the conversation with the best advice I've ever learned - even though it its from "he's just not that into you"(don't judge, chances are you could learn a few things too). I tell him, you know what, if you want to see me, you will. If someone wants to talk to someone they will, even if it is for a minute or text me after you book your flight, it takes 5 seconds. So you're whole argument is bullshit and I'm done. Lose my number, forget me completely."

He then stops, mostly because I hung up and sends me a text saying, "I hope we can talk about this like adults, when we're not caught up in the heat of the moment." OH NO HE DIDN'T imply I was being Childish. He did.  He did, indeed. So naturally, I ignore this message and go about my awesome time ( I was on a trip and headed to a concert that I told him about before.) I later get another message from him saying, "you're right if someone wants to see you, they will. I am here at the concert. It was sold out but I got in."

Smooth, right? These are the things he's good at. He finds his way back into my good graces, but then after that day... he just drove off to visit some friends and has begun his little disappearing act, he's mastered by the way.

I'm sick of it. I know that this is probably not the great love that I want. I know that if I'm being honest with myself, is a relationship of convenience and is just something to occupy my time. Someone to text, someone to see occasionally etc. So, be done with it, right? Right. The only thing is... I can't seem to stop myself from being excited about the grand gestures. How does one not let that affect your better judgment? Help.

If you were in this situation, what would you do?

Juggling.

Despite my Mother's best efforts I am a romantic, loyal, one-man kinda woman. I believe in fidelity and forever love even though, as it turns out.. God has other plans for me (thus far). My mom is constantly telling me that I owe these men nothing, no need to be faithful and I am too young to commit myself to just one person, without a ring anyway. Though she makes a good point and I have tried on multiple occasions to be more like that, there is something inside of me that cannot see multiple people at one time. I can't even like more than one person, I have this internal battle where I end up choosing one over the other and then resent the one I choose and feel terrible for the one I let go. Which more often than not results is me drinking a bottle of wine alone, yet again. Some bullshit, huh?


Well this has been my cross to bare, until now that is. I don't know what happened or what changed. Maybe it was getting my heart ripped out and Adele-like stomped on? But now I am able to like sooooo many people. I can honestly say I have luke-warm to boiling hot feelings for multiple men at this moment.. and I don't care if none of them work out because I am enjoying this. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to give you the impression that I've got guys banging down my door, not the case. In fact I'm still fucked in that department as ever.. but I've got game again. I'm meeting men out, some old flings, ok hook-ups new prospects, etc. I still don't think I could sleep with all these men at once (not literally, I'm not into gang-bangs) but you know, multiple partners. I may have guy-like casual tendencies and feelings toward sex, but I am still a woman- with feelings. Anyway, I digress, maybe the reason I am finally able to juggle all these feelings for men, which is a huge victory in itself, whether or not these guys realize that I do in fact like them - I am just excited that I am capable of it. Here's how: I realized I am compartmentalizing my "feelings."


I've finally used my over analytic mind for success rather than at the detriment of my own sanity and relationships. I've pegged which kind of guys these are: There is the one I could date, the one I could develop something fun with, the one I really just want to sleep with (if we're being honest), the one who just gets me (and continues to talk to me, despite that), the one who keeps me on my toes, the one I want to tame etc.

Now if the one who is just eye candy ends up moving on, I don't give a fuck - because I've pegged him as that part (fully expecting him to do that). - I win.

If the guy who just gets me, continues to just be there and nothing ever develops from that, then that's fine too. - Because, I've locked him down in a forever "possibly" situation. Nothing has developed thus far, so it's not like i'm begging for it to. - I win.

The one who keeps me on my toes is tricky. He is also the one I think I could maybe date; possibly. If this guy ever nuts up, then great! If not, I reckon' I'll be slightly hurt. But.. at the same time, if I am hurt.. I've got my distractions. - I half win?

If I can't tame the one I want to tame. No big deal, I've already placed him in a tiny little insignificant compartment in my head as untameable. I'll just have fun trying. - I win.

Now if your're judging me.. right now. Fuck off. Yes, I am a woman, yes I'm being very honest right now. Yes, I've probably just ruined any chance with the men mentioned above.. but whatever. Like I said, I don't sleep with more than one partner at a time. And even if I did, Men have a saying, I'm sure most are familiar with, "spreading the seed". Well.. maybe its time for the ladies' flowers to get cross-pollinated. Boom.

Consider me,
Cross-Pollinated.

No. I don't like it.

This is a twofer:

Ladies, how many times have you said, "I've never done this before" or "I don't usually do this" or "that was my first time" or my personal favortie, "yep, I did.. a couple times."

Who are we really helping when we speak these godforsaken lies? Are we helping ourselves, NO sure as hell aren't. Do you feel better, relieved, satisfied? Nope. No you don't. Are we helping the men, maybe at first. The initial stress and pressure they might feel is relieved.. but then they go on about their business thinking we are fully satisfied, when in fact we are far from it. We end up perpetuating this cycle of lackluster sexual experiences to no avail.

Let me tell you something, I too have been a victim of these fake reassurances and it got me absolutely nowhere. In the moment sure it seems like the right thing to do, especially when as a girl, you want to please this guy. You would do anything to make him feel good because you want him to stick around. Bullshit, it's bullshit! When really, all I'm thinking is yeah, you look real relieved must be fucking nice. I'm sure, actually I'm positive, that if the tables were turned, and you ladies were how should I put this.. "pleasing" your man and maybe it wasn't exactly to their liking, that they sure as shit gave you some pointers. Am I right? Enough said.

Also, what about the "that was the first" lie. My issue with this is, yes when it's good, its good. Then, when the relationship goes south into an inferno of flames (as mine typically do) then what. Then that asshole goes around for the rest of his life thinking "yep, I was the first to ...." as if he's metaphorically placed his flag in some part of your anatomy, some real Neil Armstrong shit. No, I refuse to give that to anyone else. From now on I'm just going to be like, "it was aight, been there done that."

Here's my quandary: if we tell the truth, and suggest some pointers are we really risking the relationship? If so, is that the kind of relationship or man you want? If they can't take criticism and would rather walk away tail between their legs, should we really go to such lengths as forsaking our own pleasure to keep this douche canoe happy?
I've been thinking about this issue for a while and have been consciously avoiding doing anything of the sort. Example you say, well.. I along with every woman I know hate, despise, loathe when a guy asks if "you like it." We hate having to reassure you whilst in the act. Literally, nothing annoys me more, so one time I just stopped pushed him away and point blank said, "No. No I don't. Stop talking." I was nervous that, that would be the end of that, instead he listened and I never had to deal with that shit again. Some guys do listen.


But, I'm still single. So most guys don't listen. Most guys aren't worth the lies.

Oh, and if you're a guy reading this, I hope you learned something. Because you are a guy let me sum it up real quick. No, we probably didn't, it wasn't the first time, yes I have had better and for the love of god, no I don't like it.

Just Around the River Bend

Single in the summer. Though it has its perks, such as debauchery with no one to "report" to or no one to consider when making plans on a whim, can also have tons of sad sad feelings of loneliness. Surely I have not always felt like this, but this is the summer after an amazing summer last year,where I was - one of those couples. The ones I now loathe, despise even, has made me painfully aware of what this summer will lack. Now.. when thinking of all the things I missed - which started with just this summer conundrum such as: romantic river trips, driving down to the beach on a whim, kayaking together, wine tastings, summer concerts under the oak trees, patio drinking etc I realized there is something more I miss.  Sex. Sex on the regular, like whenever I want it. All of these events that I remember so fondly.. led to great but short  sex.

Now is my time.. I can feel it. It's as Pocahontas would put it, "just around the river-bend" I am not desperate or anything, if I really wanted to get laid, or as a lady would put it, "watch a movie" with someone, I could. I'm just over the casualness-empty feelings of a sober morning-regret.  Now don't hold me to this on a drunken Saturday night come 2:30am. I understand that this blog post is a bit uncomfortable to talk about.. but clearly, I'm inappropriate, but isn't that why you're reading this and love me? Here is some real quick footnotes about my life. My Mom, who drives me ape-shit is a nurse at a middle school in my home town. She knows all my friends and all the kids who hate me. She, at one time was the Sex-Ed teacher. She took that knowledge along with some bullshit "subliminal" parenting guide she once picked up to drill safe sex into my brain from the age of 9. Yes, NINE. I didn't have the Birds and the Bees talk, I had diagrams and National Geographic. I was never taught that sex was a taboo subject or wrong, or was sacred and reserved for marriage (though it was encouraged). Not that I'm in any way blaming my mother, in fact, quite the opposite. I loved it, except when she would drop my friends and I off  at the bowling alley at the age of 13 and say "remember girls, Wrap it UP!" I wish I was kidding. I think that I have way less issues than some people, when it comes to sex, intimacy, communication etc because of how open my Mom and I are about sex. For that, I am thankful, because let's face it - sex is fun. 

So with that knowledge, I can't help myself but stare at couples who are clearly having lots of sex, because they are so lovey dovey and gross, PDA'ing it up all over Austin. Just mocking me. Teasing. Rubbing it in. Bastards. I people-watch, now I've turned that sport into couple-watching. I catch myself wondering how often they have sex. This is ridiculous, I'm aware. But those assholes have the greatest release of frustration and well, I'm frustrated. These feelings coupled with 50 shades of Grey, 7 days of sex on TLC, and anxiously awaiting thew new season of True Blood...does not make for a pleasant summer. 

To be clear, it's not just the act of sex that I miss. It's the intimacy, the mutual respect for one another in a relationship, the eagerness to please each-other. It is the simple fact that you love them or at least, care enough to  want to please them.I want that again. I NEED that. So if you are currently in a relationship, and you are those couples, fuck you. No really, treasure it. Be the best version of yourself and let the petty things go, because those sexually-frustrated and single as fuck people like me.. are hanging back in the shadows.. waiting for you to slip up and snag the person you took for granted. Mwuahaha. 

being a lady...

So in high school you realize that good girls get nowhere.

Then in college you realize that being one of the guys and being profane and crude is more appealing than being a priss.

Now, somewhere in between 20 and 30 you realize.. SHIT i'm supposed to be.. a.. LADY?! First, you're surprised that this idea still exists. Second, your pissed. Third, you try to remember what being a lady was like because the last memory you've had was your mom smacking your hands in church when you were a little girl and telling you to cross your legs and be quiet, "like a lady." --so to me, being a lady is equivalent to "crossing my legs" and "staying quiet". Whoa. mind blown. Thanks Mom.

Now, clearly trying to avoid both these things.. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm attempting to be a very modern lady. So keeping what makes me, me and making that less offensive. Also growing up has real way of ensuring karma finds you. You start to realize a lot of what you judged people for a mere 3-5 years ago is exactly what you crave. Karma is a real bitch.
Examples:

Hey, wanna have sex?
lady translation: Shall we lay together, in the biblical sense?


I'm fucking starving.
"oh, I'm not that hungry, I'll just have a salad."


let's go out and get waaaasted!!!
let's get dinner and maybe a glass of wine. I don't want to get too tipsy.  OR let's go dancing!


Bitch please.
ohh, girl, you are too much.


Eww did that guy just hit on you, he's gross
ohh, did that guy hit on you, does he have a job? oh he does.. you should go out with him. --does he have a brother, or friend? 


She's engaged? WTF we still have all of our 20s.
she's engaged? omg i'm sooo jealous. Does he have any single friends?


You met on Facebook? --ugh
How do I connect my Facebook to my dating profile sites?


Fuck you.
bless your heart


God-damnit-shit-balls-fuck
ohh my word. 


Saturday night raging!
wednesday night dinners?


This is a real problem for me. I am not a lady. I guess... i'll just have to wait around for someone to like me for me. lord help me.