The Smells of Desperation

So last night I got wrangled into accompanying a friend to a dating event. Not usually my kind of thing, but seeing as how I'm single as fuck, I thought, "why the hell not?" It didn't hurt that it was at a bar, because if I'm expected to be interesting and approachable, I sure as shit need a cocktail.. or 3.

I wasn't really nervous leading up to it, I convinced myself to go under the notion that this was strictly for blog research. I mean the whole purpose of this blog is to entertain you with my dating life.. up until recently.. I've been, well.. not dating. With that said, I was starting to think of myself as a journalist, they constantly put the story first.. (I realize I'm delusional to call myself a journalist) believe it or not, this helped me get there. The thing about me is, as outgoing and loud as I am, I'm actually pretty reserved around new people and forced situations, I clam up and turn into this awkward fool who can barely form sentences, let alone witty and engaging banter, it's not cute. Usually a shot of tequila helps --which I convinced forced my friend to take with me. I was golden after that!

Let me just begin with, you know those dating mixers you see in the commercials, TV shows & movies where everyone is in their mid 20s to mid 30s, fit and attractive, ..well it's nothing like that. You can actually smell the desperation in the room. It didn't take long for me to be approached, and I don't mean that in conceited way.  I mean my friend and I were the only girls who showed up late, so we were fresh meat. We were being circled and clocked left and right. I felt like we were on a national geographic hunting show...being hunted. Anyway, so I'm approached by this very tall man who has clearly never heard of the term, 'personal space' I mean, he's all up in my bubble. He begins to hover over my shoulder and read the cocktail menu I had in my hand with this line, "I like your necklace, does it have a story, what's the story?" Strong, right off the bat. I can appreciate a different line, but I'd appreciate no line at all even more. I participate, he seems nice. We part ways after a while ...but not for good. No, he finds me like 5 times that night, getting a little too comfortable with me each time. I thought personal space was a problem.. I was wrong, he was a toucher. My back, my hip, my waist, --not ok. (If you're a guy reading this, please learn something. If we don't know you.. please for the love of god, keep your hands to yourself. Observe the 2nd grade classroom rules.) This guy then proceeds to feel free to sit and chat, which is fine. Except when you lead with this question, "Hey, are you a dirty girl?" Boom. My jaw dropped, my friend without missing a beat bursts into a fit of laughter..which couldn't be controlled. Somehow, the only way to get him to leave was to give him my phone number. Immediately regret. I have now received 5+ messages.

For fear of reeking of desperation, we sneakily leave and head to a normal bar. All the nerves and awkwardness disappears. There is something to be said about going into that pressured kind of situation. Where you are EXPECTED to interact with the sole purpose of finding someone to date. Remove that pressure at a normal bar where typically we do find people, naturally/organically and we are ourselves. Shining with wit, banter and easy conversations. There is something in that logic, some may say its my sub-conscious telling me, maybe I don't want to find anyone? I think, I'm just no good under pressure. Never have been.
So we have a good time, meet some more people, accidentally divulge too much information to a friend I ran into who was is romantically interested in me, about the last time I was at this bar, with the Dirty Musician (That story is doozy.) Well, come to find, not only does he know the Dirty Musician , they are friends. Fuck. It went downhill from there. We parted ways shortly after.

Although maybe this situation wasn't the best, I realize I need to get back out there.. I also realized I'm going to have to do it organically.. is this what dating has come to? Creepy desperate smelling men circling you like a buck on closing day of the hunting season? How you do YOU date? What works for you? Please let me know what you think!

Follow me on Bloglovin.com

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/4047159/?claim=59n63gmqpk6">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Be Passionate. Be Selfish.

So I was talking to a friend/mentor/boss lady the other day about relationships and self discovery. Pretty deep stuff for a dinner party but hey, when the mood strikes and you've got two opinionated self-aware Women, there's no stopping that conversation. It was at that moment that someone else pointed out to me that I clearly have a type, unavailable. Sometimes it is emotionally, other times it has been physically or geographically, either way it is a real shit-storm. Naturally, as a young woman, I decided to reflect inwardly and ask myself, "what is my part in all this? What draws me to these men? Am I self-sabotaging?" Etc. After much thought I've come to the conclusion that: A.) I need higher standards. B.) I need more time for myself. C.) I need to be selfish for a while. D) Times, they are a-changing.

The first issue, which may be the most important is: I need higher standards. Now don't get me wrong, there is a few guys that weren't all bad. Maybe they just handled things poorly but I'm not just talking about my ex beaus. I need to reflect the things that I'm looking for as well. I have a serious problem with falling for someone too quick. I am passionate. I rely on passion like pre-menstrual women rely on chocolate. I love hard and I hate hard. I recognize passion in others and I'm a goner. I believe my exact words to the afore mentioned friend was, "I want someone with passion, I don't care what that passion is.. just be passionate." She quickly stopped me and said something along the lines of, "No, you need to care, passion is great but it has to be important to you as well. I mean what if someone was really passionate about crystal meth.." Touche, good point. So now I'm realizing that I need to figure out what is important to me and look for someone with who feels similar. I also need to not be such a flippin' hypocrite. Maybe I'm drawn to guys with passion who don't necessarily live up to their dreams because I don't. You know, when I was younger I was a real force to be reckoned with, and sure, some of that girl is still in me but I've gotten complacent. Which is probably why I find myself in the types of relationships that turn to shit. I want to write a book. I want to help people. I want to be wealthy, I want to take care of my family, I want to travel and most importantly, I want to be happy, ecstatic-happy, not complacent. Maybe getting my heart shattered, pissed on, and my world getting flipped upside-down was the best thing to happen to me. I started this blog shortly after and the amount of support I've received is overwhelming. Granted, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm a hell of a lot closer. I have the passion, and now I'm doing something about it. I'm going after the career I want, starting with event planning and PR and will continue to blog and write until I'm satisfied with my portfolio.

B) and C) are related. I need more "ME" time and I need to be selfish. The amount of support I had for the douche who ripped my heart out was 10x the amount I had for myself. I like to be a champion for the people I love but find myself lacking the same support from them, relationships and friendships alike. I figured out that some of those people need to go and I am focusing on the ones who deserve my love and support. Cheers to them.

Lastly, I recognize these issues and I am confronting them, acknowledging my part in it as well. I already see the change in myself. I have had to let some people go, who quite frankly, didn't deserve my friendship. It's a two-way street, I'm tired of going down this one-way bullshit. With that said, I am also repairing relationships who have proved are worth the work. I'm mature enough to own up to my part in a fall-out and work through it. On the relationship/romantic side, I'm screening them like a threat to national security. I realize that my bed will stay empty and cold for a while, but it's better than the alternative. Every woman, despite how dense some may be, knows when something doesn't feel right. When you have to question someone, you know. I am just listening to that innate gut feeling from now on. The more you rely on others for advice the more you know you're just looking for someone to tell you it's ok to do something you know you shouldn't be doing. I'm not doing that anymore. I've had it.

There is nothing more powerful than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. I'm dedicated to being that woman from here on out.