Little things.

I am now a 26 semi functioning adult woman. As such, I've come to acquire some knowledge that would have been extremely helpful and would have made life a hell of a lot easier if women would have fucking told me when I was pre-pubescent. Topics we are all familiar with, but the important un-discussed parts such as:

Men, brace yourself, I'm beginning with... PERIODS. Why doesn't anyone tell you how bad the emotional and physical side effects are going to be. Sure they warn you about cramps and back pain, bloating and the occasional headache. Here's what they don't tell you: one week before your period you turn in to a fucking chihuahua and want to dry hump the living shit out of every man (or woman, if that's what you're in to) who makes more than 3 seconds of eye contact with you. Then you get super emotional and can't decide between chocolate and spicy food or sour stuff. Every commercial makes you cry and the outside world makes you furious. Combine your emotional warfare with debilitating cramps, back pain and then oh hey why not throw in some extreme bloating to increase your self-loathing and bring you back to a state of being an emotional wreck every time you see yourself naked in the mirror, that's fun! Whew and then repeat every month UNTIL YOU DRY UP and go through menopause. Oh the joys of being a woman.

Then there's breakups, oh lawd. Mothers, please fully prepare your daughters for their first world shattering breakup. Tell them it's ok to just, sit and cry. Then tell them that after 2-3 days they need to focus on something else. Tell them that eating normally is imperative. Then tell them, that building up walls to make sure they never feel that way again will never work, it will only make things worse. Finally, tell them they will probably feel that way at least 3 more times, but it's ok because it will eventually work out. (Right? Here's hoping!)

Dating: listen up ladies, those gut feelings you get, listen to them. You are recognizing those red flags that if ignored, will come back and bite you in the ass.

Friendship: For the love of god, treat your friends like the way you want to be treated. Know when to repair and when to end a friendship. Go above and beyond for them, but if they don't do the same recognize that they may not be as good of a friend as you thought they were. Then decide if you can keep them as an acquaintance or just let it fizzle out.

Exercise: Do it for you. NO one else. Especially not a man. If a guy ever tells you that you'd be even more beautiful if you lost some weight, reply with this, "Yea, you might be right, but you'd be a hell of a lot more satisfying if your dick grew another inch." Then delete that asshole from your life. Bye, Felicia. 

Shopping: just because it's on sale, is not good enough. Buy things you KNOW you will wear. Shoes are kryptonite, those.. you can buy on sale. (I have a problem.) Versatile pieces will transform your wardrobe, layering will make your closet work in all seasons. The only designer pieces you can justify are: purses, watches and jeans. Everything else probably won't last and won't make a difference. Cute is cute bitch, stop being such a label whore.


These are just some things I wish I knew from the get-go. Do you agree? What else would you add?