My Mom Hates Me.

Like all my trips home, I kept it short and sweet.. but my Mother had other plans. She was dead-set on "teaching me a lesson" or what I like to think of as "breaking my spirit." Difference of opinion, to say the least. First, she pushes the weight button, but since I've been working out.. she didn't say a thing, in mom-code this is a good thing. She will pick at me if I look 5 pounds heavier but never pat me on the back or job well-done if I look good. Second, she asks how my dating life is going, "are you still seeing that one guy..?" No mom, I told you..he wasn't really my type..etc. Finally, she gives me the kiss of death, "well Sam, you know..you may just have to accept the fact that you'll NEVER get married. Maybe you'll just end up alone like your aunts. It's not a bad life..but relationships and marriages are about sacrifice, and well..you aren't willing to make them, obviously." "You should focus your attention on your little cousins and pray you get a neice or nephew to take care of you...since you'll be alone."

FUCK. My mom really has a way with words, doesn't she. I asked her why she would ever say that to me. To prepare me, she says. As if my expectations weren't low enough..now I should expect to die alone, perfect.

Naturally I am worried, what does it mean if your mom gives up hope? Am I doomed? Am I really destined to be a spinster lonely bitter woman? God I hope not. Now I'm worried but don't get me wrong, I don't think I will end up alone, because I love, Love. I love being in relationships (despite what previous blogs may portray). I thoroughly enjoy having that person you can come home to and share all of your meaningless day to day details with, having that emotional connection with someone who just gets you and knows when to kiss you or when not to kiss you and just rub your back. I like having a lover, an activity partner, a confidant, a partner and best friend all in one. I don't think the problem lies in not being able to sacrifice or being too picky; which was my mother's final concern.. and here's why:

I dated a hippie, a bum with no ambition, a drop-out, a pot-head, drug dealing low life, man-child who refuses to grow up, and countless other no-good men; these are just the oh so dreamy and irresistible men who I've been in serious relationships with.  Obviously, being picky or "too choosy" is not the problem, if anything, quite the opposite. I should be more picky.. set my standards a little higher even.

So is it really that I can't or won't make sacrifices? Now, I'm no saint but I'd like to think I'm pretty giving and supportive so I really, honestly, truly do not believe that this is the issue. Like I said before, the types of guys I've dated are so different and the amount of sacrifice needed to sustain those relationships was far more than anyone should have to make. Granted, they weren't all bad (during the course of our relationships) they also made sacrifices like showering regularly, for me and well.. hygiene *yes, I'm referring to the hippie.

I feel like I've gone above and beyond the call of duty that is expected from a girlfriend and willingly too. I am a giver, with relationships and friendships. I enjoy being there for the people I care about, emotionally and physically. I've always been the person people talk to and unload, I accept this duty with open arms, so it is really hard for me to believe that the reason I am alone or according to my mother, will die alone, is because I am unwilling or incapable of making sacrifices.

With that said, I'm back to square one. Why the hell am I still single? Why do I end up dating these terrible men who leave me heartbroken? Is it me, is it them, is some uncanny instinct for picking the worst men? Is it something about me that is so vulnerable that even the "nicest guys" can take advantage of me? I have no idea, but I refuse to give up hope. because then I'll really be alone. Instead I just have to keep the faith and believe in myself and trust that I know what is best for me.
I feel like I'm a little wiser now and recognize signs I have never noticed before. I'm also, for the first time paying attention to these signs. If I've learned anything from my failed relationships, it is to trust my instincts and stop making excuses for men, letting the little things go, that aren't really little things at all. I may not give someone a second thought, but if I do this it is because I am not willing to settle for the sake of being with someone. I want it all. I want eternal love, I want for someone to love me as much as I love them. I want someone to WANT to spend their life with me, and if you aren't that person, I refuse to give you a piece of my heart, because there really isn't much left.

So, here's hoping I don't die alone. Pray for me please.

Humble Pie

In an effort to be less bitter about being alone.. and stop relying on fate or god to jump in and deliver me a man worth wasting time on, I joined a dating site. Now, for me, this is the epitome of karma kicking my ass whilst sticking its tongue out at me saying, "i told you so" in a 5 year old voice. I was very against these dating sites at any age younger than 30 because, as I used to say, you still have time, what's the rush?

Well my friends, I am eating my words on top of a large slice of humble pie. I've come to the realization that the good ole college days of meeting guys at bars and exchanging phone numbers, along with pleasantries does not happen at this age anymore. ahh 24 not quite a college student, definitely not a full grown adult, however.. I am at the age where I know what works for me and what doesn't. Exchanging phone numbers, small talk and trying to justify publicly making out at a bar..does not work out these days. So I thought I'd give this whole dating site a shot. So far so good, but hey it's only day 3, plenty of time to screw it up.

I've received tons of messages, been asked out, chatted and selectively replied to a few men. What I do know thus far is that, this online dating thing is quite the ego boost. Also, I can rate men publicly and not be judged for it. (finally.)

My issue though, aaah yes I have an issue; is that I don't know how to sell myself. I find the whole thing to be narcissistic and fake. I know that the profile is like the first impression and mine is pretty much like meeting me after 3 tequila shots; short sentences, blatantly honest, opinionated and unapologetic and not at my full potential.

So.. I need help. I just can't find it in me to write something worth reading. I question every sentence by asking myself, what kind of person would that attract? I'm not left with much. Basically the part where your supposed to sell yourself has, "I'm complicated but laid back. I'm also a contradiction." that was the best I could come up with.

I've come to the conclusion that you cannot escape games in dating, not even virtually. If I'm too mushy I'll attract the wimps, if I'm to cheerful I might get a hippie, too analytic I'll get the nerds. I just can't win.

So I'm asking you, YES YOU, to drop a line about me.. help me out. What do you think about me, that is true..worth putting up there. Hey if it all works out, and I get married on rainbows and unicorns..then I'll thank you at my wedding. If not, no hard feelings.