Juggling.

Despite my Mother's best efforts I am a romantic, loyal, one-man kinda woman. I believe in fidelity and forever love even though, as it turns out.. God has other plans for me (thus far). My mom is constantly telling me that I owe these men nothing, no need to be faithful and I am too young to commit myself to just one person, without a ring anyway. Though she makes a good point and I have tried on multiple occasions to be more like that, there is something inside of me that cannot see multiple people at one time. I can't even like more than one person, I have this internal battle where I end up choosing one over the other and then resent the one I choose and feel terrible for the one I let go. Which more often than not results is me drinking a bottle of wine alone, yet again. Some bullshit, huh?


Well this has been my cross to bare, until now that is. I don't know what happened or what changed. Maybe it was getting my heart ripped out and Adele-like stomped on? But now I am able to like sooooo many people. I can honestly say I have luke-warm to boiling hot feelings for multiple men at this moment.. and I don't care if none of them work out because I am enjoying this. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to give you the impression that I've got guys banging down my door, not the case. In fact I'm still fucked in that department as ever.. but I've got game again. I'm meeting men out, some old flings, ok hook-ups new prospects, etc. I still don't think I could sleep with all these men at once (not literally, I'm not into gang-bangs) but you know, multiple partners. I may have guy-like casual tendencies and feelings toward sex, but I am still a woman- with feelings. Anyway, I digress, maybe the reason I am finally able to juggle all these feelings for men, which is a huge victory in itself, whether or not these guys realize that I do in fact like them - I am just excited that I am capable of it. Here's how: I realized I am compartmentalizing my "feelings."


I've finally used my over analytic mind for success rather than at the detriment of my own sanity and relationships. I've pegged which kind of guys these are: There is the one I could date, the one I could develop something fun with, the one I really just want to sleep with (if we're being honest), the one who just gets me (and continues to talk to me, despite that), the one who keeps me on my toes, the one I want to tame etc.

Now if the one who is just eye candy ends up moving on, I don't give a fuck - because I've pegged him as that part (fully expecting him to do that). - I win.

If the guy who just gets me, continues to just be there and nothing ever develops from that, then that's fine too. - Because, I've locked him down in a forever "possibly" situation. Nothing has developed thus far, so it's not like i'm begging for it to. - I win.

The one who keeps me on my toes is tricky. He is also the one I think I could maybe date; possibly. If this guy ever nuts up, then great! If not, I reckon' I'll be slightly hurt. But.. at the same time, if I am hurt.. I've got my distractions. - I half win?

If I can't tame the one I want to tame. No big deal, I've already placed him in a tiny little insignificant compartment in my head as untameable. I'll just have fun trying. - I win.

Now if your're judging me.. right now. Fuck off. Yes, I am a woman, yes I'm being very honest right now. Yes, I've probably just ruined any chance with the men mentioned above.. but whatever. Like I said, I don't sleep with more than one partner at a time. And even if I did, Men have a saying, I'm sure most are familiar with, "spreading the seed". Well.. maybe its time for the ladies' flowers to get cross-pollinated. Boom.

Consider me,
Cross-Pollinated.