So I was talking to a friend/mentor/boss lady the other day about relationships and self discovery. Pretty deep stuff for a dinner party but hey, when the mood strikes and you've got two opinionated self-aware Women, there's no stopping that conversation. It was at that moment that someone else pointed out to me that I clearly have a type, unavailable. Sometimes it is emotionally, other times it has been physically or geographically, either way it is a real shit-storm. Naturally, as a young woman, I decided to reflect inwardly and ask myself, "what is my part in all this? What draws me to these men? Am I self-sabotaging?" Etc. After much thought I've come to the conclusion that: A.) I need higher standards. B.) I need more time for myself. C.) I need to be selfish for a while. D) Times, they are a-changing.
The first issue, which may be the most important is: I need higher standards. Now don't get me wrong, there is a few guys that weren't all bad. Maybe they just handled things poorly but I'm not just talking about my ex beaus. I need to reflect the things that I'm looking for as well. I have a serious problem with falling for someone too quick. I am passionate. I rely on passion like pre-menstrual women rely on chocolate. I love hard and I hate hard. I recognize passion in others and I'm a goner. I believe my exact words to the afore mentioned friend was, "I want someone with passion, I don't care what that passion is.. just be passionate." She quickly stopped me and said something along the lines of, "No, you need to care, passion is great but it has to be important to you as well. I mean what if someone was really passionate about crystal meth.." Touche, good point. So now I'm realizing that I need to figure out what is important to me and look for someone with who feels similar. I also need to not be such a flippin' hypocrite. Maybe I'm drawn to guys with passion who don't necessarily live up to their dreams because I don't. You know, when I was younger I was a real force to be reckoned with, and sure, some of that girl is still in me but I've gotten complacent. Which is probably why I find myself in the types of relationships that turn to shit. I want to write a book. I want to help people. I want to be wealthy, I want to take care of my family, I want to travel and most importantly, I want to be happy, ecstatic-happy, not complacent. Maybe getting my heart shattered, pissed on, and my world getting flipped upside-down was the best thing to happen to me. I started this blog shortly after and the amount of support I've received is overwhelming. Granted, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm a hell of a lot closer. I have the passion, and now I'm doing something about it. I'm going after the career I want, starting with event planning and PR and will continue to blog and write until I'm satisfied with my portfolio.
B) and C) are related. I need more "ME" time and I need to be selfish. The amount of support I had for the douche who ripped my heart out was 10x the amount I had for myself. I like to be a champion for the people I love but find myself lacking the same support from them, relationships and friendships alike. I figured out that some of those people need to go and I am focusing on the ones who deserve my love and support. Cheers to them.
Lastly, I recognize these issues and I am confronting them, acknowledging my part in it as well. I already see the change in myself. I have had to let some people go, who quite frankly, didn't deserve my friendship. It's a two-way street, I'm tired of going down this one-way bullshit. With that said, I am also repairing relationships who have proved are worth the work. I'm mature enough to own up to my part in a fall-out and work through it. On the relationship/romantic side, I'm screening them like a threat to national security. I realize that my bed will stay empty and cold for a while, but it's better than the alternative. Every woman, despite how dense some may be, knows when something doesn't feel right. When you have to question someone, you know. I am just listening to that innate gut feeling from now on. The more you rely on others for advice the more you know you're just looking for someone to tell you it's ok to do something you know you shouldn't be doing. I'm not doing that anymore. I've had it.
There is nothing more powerful than a woman who knows exactly what she wants. I'm dedicated to being that woman from here on out.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Numbers Shmumbers.
I've heard a lot of talk about numbers lately.. you know what I'm talking about. That question the insecure love. "How many people have you slept with (dun dun duuunnnn)" I say insecure for two reasons: One, let's be honest, the reason you're asking is because you want to know where you stand in comparison. Two, you think that a certain number will accurately reflect the character of the person in question, which is placing all of your better judgment in a situation that you have no control in. You in fact, have no part in this equation ..yet it matters so much to you, because you are indeed insecure.
I guess I can understand why those people who ask this question, ask it. Maybe, as we've established.. they are just insecure. Maybe.. I'm wrong and they are freaks.. and will gauge the level of how high they wave that dirty little freak flag based on the answer given..which is highly possible (and intriguing.) The only problem with that is- isn't the real issue that you are indeed insecure of how much another person will deal with and you think you can accurately judge what someone is comfortable with by the number of people they've "admitted" to sleeping with?
Rather than continue to live like an insecure freshman ... in high school why can't we just be content in the situation we're in. Why does it matter so much that someone has a past. You have a past, that's a fact. Do you want to be judged by that? It's always going to be too low or too high for someone.. so why waste time, energy and genuine getting-to-know you feelings over something so insignificant.
People seem to be intrigued with what my number is. I get this question more than I'd like.. way, way more. I get it, I'm an open book, I have the mouth of a sailor, I think inappropriateness is completely normal - of course you want to know what my number is. Here is my answer: I stopped giving people a number because to me they are more than that, they are not a notch in my bed post and they deserve more respect than to be treated like one, as I hope I do to you. (well, some of them deserve the respect, some I could give two shits about.) To me it is of no importance, I don't have that fear of adding another number to my bullshit "list" like most girls, but that doesn't mean I think sleeping with everyone is acceptable either. I live my life on a circumstantial basis. I try my damnedest not to hold people responsible for other's mistakes and I try to avoid jealousy at all costs, which is why I never ask that ridiculous question. No good can come of it.
Number 1 or 100.. If I like you, it doesn't matter ---unless you're terrible. Then you need experience.
I guess I can understand why those people who ask this question, ask it. Maybe, as we've established.. they are just insecure. Maybe.. I'm wrong and they are freaks.. and will gauge the level of how high they wave that dirty little freak flag based on the answer given..which is highly possible (and intriguing.) The only problem with that is- isn't the real issue that you are indeed insecure of how much another person will deal with and you think you can accurately judge what someone is comfortable with by the number of people they've "admitted" to sleeping with?
Rather than continue to live like an insecure freshman ... in high school why can't we just be content in the situation we're in. Why does it matter so much that someone has a past. You have a past, that's a fact. Do you want to be judged by that? It's always going to be too low or too high for someone.. so why waste time, energy and genuine getting-to-know you feelings over something so insignificant.
People seem to be intrigued with what my number is. I get this question more than I'd like.. way, way more. I get it, I'm an open book, I have the mouth of a sailor, I think inappropriateness is completely normal - of course you want to know what my number is. Here is my answer: I stopped giving people a number because to me they are more than that, they are not a notch in my bed post and they deserve more respect than to be treated like one, as I hope I do to you. (well, some of them deserve the respect, some I could give two shits about.) To me it is of no importance, I don't have that fear of adding another number to my bullshit "list" like most girls, but that doesn't mean I think sleeping with everyone is acceptable either. I live my life on a circumstantial basis. I try my damnedest not to hold people responsible for other's mistakes and I try to avoid jealousy at all costs, which is why I never ask that ridiculous question. No good can come of it.
Number 1 or 100.. If I like you, it doesn't matter ---unless you're terrible. Then you need experience.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Dirty Musicians
It is of no surprise to anyone that I find myself in the most ridiculous situations. Be it karma, coincidence, curse, voodoo, whatever - my life is ridiculous. More specifically my dating life, if you could even call it that, is beyond insane. I wish I made these things up. Sadly, I have found myself in some pretty outlandish situations, I'm not one to be shocked very often, however.. this "date" (more of a hangout).. left me speechless. Until now.
As some of my close friends know, I have a thing for musicians. Passionate, dirty looking, tattoo-covered musicians. I like beards and long hair on a man, it's a real problem, a damn sexy one though. Being that I live in Austin, I am in no short of them. I could throw a rock and hit 10 dirty musicians, it's like Christmas year round. With that said, I have been, for lack of a better word, "talking" to this guy.. nothing serious or consistent even.. but phone tag and texting nonetheless. He is in a band that I actually like and was familiar with and a fan of before meeting him personally, which was a nice turn of events. (My ex was in a band.. that well.. just wasn't my thing, great people - other than him.. not so lovely tunes.) So color me giddy when this guy who shall remain nameless asked me to hang out with him multiple times, I was borderline groupie happy.
I have heard some stories about this guy from close mutual friends.. he didn't exactly have a great reputation but I knew that he wasn't into dating seriously and I didn't see him as a real boyfriend-material prospect. I saw him as a piece of dirty sexy meat. Someone who I knew I would have fun with -eventually. So I agreed to meet him out one night, rather than go over to his house where he wanted to cook me dinner. I wanted something with less pressure..and alcohol - this was a must. So I met him out, I knew he had been drinking but he seemed fine.. we talked, we laughed ...we drank. I had a shot because I needed to loosen up, he then proceeds to tell me he appreciates me going to the shows blah blah blah, he really likes me blah blah blah. He's sorry he hasn't been in town much, they've been on the road and other stuff like that which I appreciated. The more open he was being the more uncomfortable it made me, though. I think he felt that so he then proceeds to flip a switch and tells me not to be afraid of him, that he's not feeding me lines (a line in itself).. he genuinely likes me, I'm taking his shit and giving it back to him which he's impressed with etc. I guess me being semi distant and hard to read coupled with day drinking did not sit well with him. He got a bit of an ego with me and said that I needed to stop trying to have the upper hand and tell him how I felt, loosen up and I needed to quit being scared of him. Out of frustration I said.. "listen, I'm not scared of you. I don't take compliments well, I don't like to talk about feelings, especially since I don't really know you and it makes me uncomfortable, you're not very scary anyway." He did not like that. He replies with "Oh, I can be real scary, but you shouldn't be scared. I'll treat you like a queen and fuck everyone up who doesn't" Immature, but sweet.. (clearly I have issues.) I replied with, "what... are you going to cut me up and wear my skin as a mask or something?" "no" "then I have no reason to be scared.. so chill out."
Somewhere in that conversation and me releasing my inner diva..he's looking at me like someone in the hunger games and I'm the food. He takes me by complete surprise and says "you're so fucking sexy I want to tell you everything I want to do to you." Caught completely off guard the only thing I can say is, "please don't, that's creepy.. wait, you do want to wear my skin as a mask, don't you?"
His voice gets louder , "No, I want to rip off all your clothes and paint on your naked body. I want to paint trees everywhere." I cover his mouth.. it's a quiet bar and people are looking. He continues and gets louder, "I want to eat you out for two hours!" I am in shock. My response, "that's not even possible." "let's try" he says. I am just sitting there, embarrassed, slightly intrigued, but mostly embarrassed and pissed. We were having a good time and he went and fucked it up. He clearly can tell I'm upset and on the verge of slapping him then in his attempt to apologize, which he does.. he follows it up with - you should get the fuck away from me. I'm no good for you. You're too good, too pretty, way too smart. I'm an asshole and you don't deserve it, but if you stay.. we're going back to my place and I'm going to do everything I said, to you."
Needless to say, I got up and walked away. Not without a last word though. I walked a few steps turned around and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you. We were having a good time, and spare me the bullshit self-deprecating act, if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be. And don't you go blaming me for walking out. You are to blame - who says that shit. I don't even know you and you're telling me what you want to do to me. Come on bro, get your shit together."
Enough is enough. Some girls get all the luck, I get the sex crazed ego-maniacs. Awesome. I swear, I must have a sign on my head that says, "Douchelords Welcome."
Musicians - 4, Sam - 0.
As some of my close friends know, I have a thing for musicians. Passionate, dirty looking, tattoo-covered musicians. I like beards and long hair on a man, it's a real problem, a damn sexy one though. Being that I live in Austin, I am in no short of them. I could throw a rock and hit 10 dirty musicians, it's like Christmas year round. With that said, I have been, for lack of a better word, "talking" to this guy.. nothing serious or consistent even.. but phone tag and texting nonetheless. He is in a band that I actually like and was familiar with and a fan of before meeting him personally, which was a nice turn of events. (My ex was in a band.. that well.. just wasn't my thing, great people - other than him.. not so lovely tunes.) So color me giddy when this guy who shall remain nameless asked me to hang out with him multiple times, I was borderline groupie happy.
I have heard some stories about this guy from close mutual friends.. he didn't exactly have a great reputation but I knew that he wasn't into dating seriously and I didn't see him as a real boyfriend-material prospect. I saw him as a piece of dirty sexy meat. Someone who I knew I would have fun with -eventually. So I agreed to meet him out one night, rather than go over to his house where he wanted to cook me dinner. I wanted something with less pressure..and alcohol - this was a must. So I met him out, I knew he had been drinking but he seemed fine.. we talked, we laughed ...we drank. I had a shot because I needed to loosen up, he then proceeds to tell me he appreciates me going to the shows blah blah blah, he really likes me blah blah blah. He's sorry he hasn't been in town much, they've been on the road and other stuff like that which I appreciated. The more open he was being the more uncomfortable it made me, though. I think he felt that so he then proceeds to flip a switch and tells me not to be afraid of him, that he's not feeding me lines (a line in itself).. he genuinely likes me, I'm taking his shit and giving it back to him which he's impressed with etc. I guess me being semi distant and hard to read coupled with day drinking did not sit well with him. He got a bit of an ego with me and said that I needed to stop trying to have the upper hand and tell him how I felt, loosen up and I needed to quit being scared of him. Out of frustration I said.. "listen, I'm not scared of you. I don't take compliments well, I don't like to talk about feelings, especially since I don't really know you and it makes me uncomfortable, you're not very scary anyway." He did not like that. He replies with "Oh, I can be real scary, but you shouldn't be scared. I'll treat you like a queen and fuck everyone up who doesn't" Immature, but sweet.. (clearly I have issues.) I replied with, "what... are you going to cut me up and wear my skin as a mask or something?" "no" "then I have no reason to be scared.. so chill out."
Somewhere in that conversation and me releasing my inner diva..he's looking at me like someone in the hunger games and I'm the food. He takes me by complete surprise and says "you're so fucking sexy I want to tell you everything I want to do to you." Caught completely off guard the only thing I can say is, "please don't, that's creepy.. wait, you do want to wear my skin as a mask, don't you?"
His voice gets louder , "No, I want to rip off all your clothes and paint on your naked body. I want to paint trees everywhere." I cover his mouth.. it's a quiet bar and people are looking. He continues and gets louder, "I want to eat you out for two hours!" I am in shock. My response, "that's not even possible." "let's try" he says. I am just sitting there, embarrassed, slightly intrigued, but mostly embarrassed and pissed. We were having a good time and he went and fucked it up. He clearly can tell I'm upset and on the verge of slapping him then in his attempt to apologize, which he does.. he follows it up with - you should get the fuck away from me. I'm no good for you. You're too good, too pretty, way too smart. I'm an asshole and you don't deserve it, but if you stay.. we're going back to my place and I'm going to do everything I said, to you."
Needless to say, I got up and walked away. Not without a last word though. I walked a few steps turned around and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you. We were having a good time, and spare me the bullshit self-deprecating act, if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be. And don't you go blaming me for walking out. You are to blame - who says that shit. I don't even know you and you're telling me what you want to do to me. Come on bro, get your shit together."
Enough is enough. Some girls get all the luck, I get the sex crazed ego-maniacs. Awesome. I swear, I must have a sign on my head that says, "Douchelords Welcome."
Musicians - 4, Sam - 0.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Beware: Wrong Vibes
I'm pissed. If you are a member of my family.. please kindly stop reading.
Sorry, had to start off with that, it's that kind of blog. So I don't know what it is about me, some sort of vibe I must unknowingly be giving off that says, "douche canoes welcome! Please come on too strong, thoroughly creep me out, treat me shitty and by all means, yes send me dick pics" Because.. that is my life. If I knew what this "vibe" was please trust, I'd be shutting that shit down, real quick.
Now that I got that out there.. here is my issue. Yes, I am very open (hence this blog), Yes, I am forward at times. Yes, I curse like a sailor and I am super inappropriate. Yes, I enjoy having sex.
NO, it is not ok to send me a dick pic before meeting me. No, it is not ok to tell your friends that I will be seduced by a dick pic. No, you shouldn't assume I will sleep you you. No, you shouldn't assume I will hook up with your friend who is in town.
It's like I can't win. I am not the damsel in distress type who is cutesie and fake. I can't pretend to laugh at all your jokes or make you think I give two shits about how many points you scored in your bullshit recreational league. I don't care that you were a big deal in high school. I don't need you rescue me. I sure as shit don't need anyone to cook for or clean up after. Yet, those girls get the loving phone calls, the pet names like "sugar, baby, etc" Those girls get the attentiveness. Me, I get secret admirer dick pics, late night calls, texts on weekend nights- only. Basically, somehow someone decided I was going to be the girl you observe the "twitter" rule with. No messages over 140 characters, as my coworker explained. Well fuck that. I am unleashing the bitch. I've already severed ties with a few guys who thought this was acceptable. I will call out the next idiot who decides a dick pic is a perfectly acceptable introduction, and for the love of God, If you are going to send a dick pic.. make sure it is hard. No one, and I mean NO ONE finds a flacid penis attractive.
Sorry, had to start off with that, it's that kind of blog. So I don't know what it is about me, some sort of vibe I must unknowingly be giving off that says, "douche canoes welcome! Please come on too strong, thoroughly creep me out, treat me shitty and by all means, yes send me dick pics" Because.. that is my life. If I knew what this "vibe" was please trust, I'd be shutting that shit down, real quick.
Now that I got that out there.. here is my issue. Yes, I am very open (hence this blog), Yes, I am forward at times. Yes, I curse like a sailor and I am super inappropriate. Yes, I enjoy having sex.
NO, it is not ok to send me a dick pic before meeting me. No, it is not ok to tell your friends that I will be seduced by a dick pic. No, you shouldn't assume I will sleep you you. No, you shouldn't assume I will hook up with your friend who is in town.
It's like I can't win. I am not the damsel in distress type who is cutesie and fake. I can't pretend to laugh at all your jokes or make you think I give two shits about how many points you scored in your bullshit recreational league. I don't care that you were a big deal in high school. I don't need you rescue me. I sure as shit don't need anyone to cook for or clean up after. Yet, those girls get the loving phone calls, the pet names like "sugar, baby, etc" Those girls get the attentiveness. Me, I get secret admirer dick pics, late night calls, texts on weekend nights- only. Basically, somehow someone decided I was going to be the girl you observe the "twitter" rule with. No messages over 140 characters, as my coworker explained. Well fuck that. I am unleashing the bitch. I've already severed ties with a few guys who thought this was acceptable. I will call out the next idiot who decides a dick pic is a perfectly acceptable introduction, and for the love of God, If you are going to send a dick pic.. make sure it is hard. No one, and I mean NO ONE finds a flacid penis attractive.
Friday, July 20, 2012
What I don't want...I think?
Disclaimer: there is no scientific/psychological/ evidence to prove the theory below, mostly just my personal feelings.. it's a rant, ok. Don't be so serious.
Through all my ups and downs regarding men I've come to realize-- well, not much; but I've come to realize that i know exactly what I DON'T want. It's a start. I'd call that progress.. I was a real trainwreck before (if you can believe that it was worse). Oh. It was so much worse.
So this guy that has been a somewhat promising prospect, I've now decided unbeknownst to him, that he is just not something I want to pursue.
Now let me explain. I too, think its almost completely ridiculous that me, a single as fuck/cursed dater/perpetual victim of infidelity is turning someone away?! The reason being, he's got that Bro problem or how I describe the Jeckyll & Hyde issue. He constantly tells me how much of a "nice" guy he is and that he is usually the one to get hurt. RED FLAG because every guy I've ever dated that screwed me over claimed to be the nice guy and the one who typically gets hurt. Sure buddy, I'll remember that when you cheat on me like the rest did before you. Which leads me to his next fault; to defend himself in any argument he has on multiple occasions to placate me said, "I'm not those guys you've dated before"...etc. Well played, douche. You're right, at least those guys were charming enough to get me to fall for them first. All of his (Mr. Hyde) actions are contradicting everything he, (Dr. Jeckyll -ish) says . He argues with me, brings up my past, he's flaky, disappears ... etc.
What keeps him as a prospect, or has kept him you wonder? He is a master at the grand gesture. He is ultra romantic and is a typical Prince Charming when he falls out of my good graces. I finally realized that I really don't like him in the day to day, small things, kind of way. I love his romantic, grand gestures, sweeping me off my feet -side of him... but that only happens after a few days, weeks even of anger, let down etc. I am just not willing to have to deal with that anymore. It is too stressful and the bad definitely outweighs the good, in this situation.
Now.. I know it's one thing to describe his behavior it but here is a real-life situation.
He goes to another state for a job for a few weeks and I don't hear from him. Something traumatic happens and he calls me and won't stop. In an effort to be a better human being, I foolishly am there for him during this tough time. Then I don't hear from him for a while and find out (via Facebook) that he's back in Texas. I, in a drunken fit of rage, text him and tell him I'm done. We have this long (on his part) conversation, mostly my one word responses and his overly explained excuses. Where in the end, I end the conversation with the best advice I've ever learned - even though it its from "he's just not that into you"(don't judge, chances are you could learn a few things too). I tell him, you know what, if you want to see me, you will. If someone wants to talk to someone they will, even if it is for a minute or text me after you book your flight, it takes 5 seconds. So you're whole argument is bullshit and I'm done. Lose my number, forget me completely."
He then stops, mostly because I hung up and sends me a text saying, "I hope we can talk about this like adults, when we're not caught up in the heat of the moment." OH NO HE DIDN'T imply I was being Childish. He did. He did, indeed. So naturally, I ignore this message and go about my awesome time ( I was on a trip and headed to a concert that I told him about before.) I later get another message from him saying, "you're right if someone wants to see you, they will. I am here at the concert. It was sold out but I got in."
Smooth, right? These are the things he's good at. He finds his way back into my good graces, but then after that day... he just drove off to visit some friends and has begun his little disappearing act, he's mastered by the way.
I'm sick of it. I know that this is probably not the great love that I want. I know that if I'm being honest with myself, is a relationship of convenience and is just something to occupy my time. Someone to text, someone to see occasionally etc. So, be done with it, right? Right. The only thing is... I can't seem to stop myself from being excited about the grand gestures. How does one not let that affect your better judgment? Help.
If you were in this situation, what would you do?
Now.. I know it's one thing to describe his behavior it but here is a real-life situation.
He goes to another state for a job for a few weeks and I don't hear from him. Something traumatic happens and he calls me and won't stop. In an effort to be a better human being, I foolishly am there for him during this tough time. Then I don't hear from him for a while and find out (via Facebook) that he's back in Texas. I, in a drunken fit of rage, text him and tell him I'm done. We have this long (on his part) conversation, mostly my one word responses and his overly explained excuses. Where in the end, I end the conversation with the best advice I've ever learned - even though it its from "he's just not that into you"(don't judge, chances are you could learn a few things too). I tell him, you know what, if you want to see me, you will. If someone wants to talk to someone they will, even if it is for a minute or text me after you book your flight, it takes 5 seconds. So you're whole argument is bullshit and I'm done. Lose my number, forget me completely."
He then stops, mostly because I hung up and sends me a text saying, "I hope we can talk about this like adults, when we're not caught up in the heat of the moment." OH NO HE DIDN'T imply I was being Childish. He did. He did, indeed. So naturally, I ignore this message and go about my awesome time ( I was on a trip and headed to a concert that I told him about before.) I later get another message from him saying, "you're right if someone wants to see you, they will. I am here at the concert. It was sold out but I got in."
Smooth, right? These are the things he's good at. He finds his way back into my good graces, but then after that day... he just drove off to visit some friends and has begun his little disappearing act, he's mastered by the way.
I'm sick of it. I know that this is probably not the great love that I want. I know that if I'm being honest with myself, is a relationship of convenience and is just something to occupy my time. Someone to text, someone to see occasionally etc. So, be done with it, right? Right. The only thing is... I can't seem to stop myself from being excited about the grand gestures. How does one not let that affect your better judgment? Help.
If you were in this situation, what would you do?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Juggling.
Despite my Mother's best efforts I am a romantic, loyal, one-man kinda woman. I believe in fidelity and forever love even though, as it turns out.. God has other plans for me (thus far). My mom is constantly telling me that I owe these men nothing, no need to be faithful and I am too young to commit myself to just one person, without a ring anyway. Though she makes a good point and I have tried on multiple occasions to be more like that, there is something inside of me that cannot see multiple people at one time. I can't even like more than one person, I have this internal battle where I end up choosing one over the other and then resent the one I choose and feel terrible for the one I let go. Which more often than not results is me drinking a bottle of wine alone, yet again. Some bullshit, huh?
Well this has been my cross to bare, until now that is. I don't know what happened or what changed. Maybe it was getting my heart ripped out and Adele-like stomped on? But now I am able to like sooooo many people. I can honestly say I have luke-warm to boiling hot feelings for multiple men at this moment.. and I don't care if none of them work out because I am enjoying this. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to give you the impression that I've got guys banging down my door, not the case. In fact I'm still fucked in that department as ever.. but I've got game again. I'm meeting men out, some old flings, ok hook-ups new prospects, etc. I still don't think I could sleep with all these men at once (not literally, I'm not into gang-bangs) but you know, multiple partners. I may have guy-like casual tendencies and feelings toward sex, but I am still a woman- with feelings. Anyway, I digress, maybe the reason I am finally able to juggle all these feelings for men, which is a huge victory in itself, whether or not these guys realize that I do in fact like them - I am just excited that I am capable of it. Here's how: I realized I am compartmentalizing my "feelings."
I've finally used my over analytic mind for success rather than at the detriment of my own sanity and relationships. I've pegged which kind of guys these are: There is the one I could date, the one I could develop something fun with, the one I really just want to sleep with (if we're being honest), the one who just gets me (and continues to talk to me, despite that), the one who keeps me on my toes, the one I want to tame etc.
Now if the one who is just eye candy ends up moving on, I don't give a fuck - because I've pegged him as that part (fully expecting him to do that). - I win.
If the guy who just gets me, continues to just be there and nothing ever develops from that, then that's fine too. - Because, I've locked him down in a forever "possibly" situation. Nothing has developed thus far, so it's not like i'm begging for it to. - I win.
The one who keeps me on my toes is tricky. He is also the one I think I could maybe date; possibly. If this guy ever nuts up, then great! If not, I reckon' I'll be slightly hurt. But.. at the same time, if I am hurt.. I've got my distractions. - I half win?
If I can't tame the one I want to tame. No big deal, I've already placed him in a tiny little insignificant compartment in my head as untameable. I'll just have fun trying. - I win.
Now if your're judging me.. right now. Fuck off. Yes, I am a woman, yes I'm being very honest right now. Yes, I've probably just ruined any chance with the men mentioned above.. but whatever. Like I said, I don't sleep with more than one partner at a time. And even if I did, Men have a saying, I'm sure most are familiar with, "spreading the seed". Well.. maybe its time for the ladies' flowers to get cross-pollinated. Boom.
Consider me,
Cross-Pollinated.
Well this has been my cross to bare, until now that is. I don't know what happened or what changed. Maybe it was getting my heart ripped out and Adele-like stomped on? But now I am able to like sooooo many people. I can honestly say I have luke-warm to boiling hot feelings for multiple men at this moment.. and I don't care if none of them work out because I am enjoying this. Now, don't get me wrong I don't want to give you the impression that I've got guys banging down my door, not the case. In fact I'm still fucked in that department as ever.. but I've got game again. I'm meeting men out, some old flings, ok hook-ups new prospects, etc. I still don't think I could sleep with all these men at once (not literally, I'm not into gang-bangs) but you know, multiple partners. I may have guy-like casual tendencies and feelings toward sex, but I am still a woman- with feelings. Anyway, I digress, maybe the reason I am finally able to juggle all these feelings for men, which is a huge victory in itself, whether or not these guys realize that I do in fact like them - I am just excited that I am capable of it. Here's how: I realized I am compartmentalizing my "feelings."
I've finally used my over analytic mind for success rather than at the detriment of my own sanity and relationships. I've pegged which kind of guys these are: There is the one I could date, the one I could develop something fun with, the one I really just want to sleep with (if we're being honest), the one who just gets me (and continues to talk to me, despite that), the one who keeps me on my toes, the one I want to tame etc.
Now if the one who is just eye candy ends up moving on, I don't give a fuck - because I've pegged him as that part (fully expecting him to do that). - I win.
If the guy who just gets me, continues to just be there and nothing ever develops from that, then that's fine too. - Because, I've locked him down in a forever "possibly" situation. Nothing has developed thus far, so it's not like i'm begging for it to. - I win.
The one who keeps me on my toes is tricky. He is also the one I think I could maybe date; possibly. If this guy ever nuts up, then great! If not, I reckon' I'll be slightly hurt. But.. at the same time, if I am hurt.. I've got my distractions. - I half win?
If I can't tame the one I want to tame. No big deal, I've already placed him in a tiny little insignificant compartment in my head as untameable. I'll just have fun trying. - I win.
Now if your're judging me.. right now. Fuck off. Yes, I am a woman, yes I'm being very honest right now. Yes, I've probably just ruined any chance with the men mentioned above.. but whatever. Like I said, I don't sleep with more than one partner at a time. And even if I did, Men have a saying, I'm sure most are familiar with, "spreading the seed". Well.. maybe its time for the ladies' flowers to get cross-pollinated. Boom.
Consider me,
Cross-Pollinated.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
No. I don't like it.
This is a twofer:
Ladies, how many times have you said, "I've never done this before" or "I don't usually do this" or "that was my first time" or my personal favortie, "yep, I did.. a couple times."
Who are we really helping when we speak these godforsaken lies? Are we helping ourselves, NO sure as hell aren't. Do you feel better, relieved, satisfied? Nope. No you don't. Are we helping the men, maybe at first. The initial stress and pressure they might feel is relieved.. but then they go on about their business thinking we are fully satisfied, when in fact we are far from it. We end up perpetuating this cycle of lackluster sexual experiences to no avail.
Let me tell you something, I too have been a victim of these fake reassurances and it got me absolutely nowhere. In the moment sure it seems like the right thing to do, especially when as a girl, you want to please this guy. You would do anything to make him feel good because you want him to stick around. Bullshit, it's bullshit! When really, all I'm thinking is yeah, you look real relieved must be fucking nice. I'm sure, actually I'm positive, that if the tables were turned, and you ladies were how should I put this.. "pleasing" your man and maybe it wasn't exactly to their liking, that they sure as shit gave you some pointers. Am I right? Enough said.
Also, what about the "that was the first" lie. My issue with this is, yes when it's good, its good. Then, when the relationship goes south into an inferno of flames (as mine typically do) then what. Then that asshole goes around for the rest of his life thinking "yep, I was the first to ...." as if he's metaphorically placed his flag in some part of your anatomy, some real Neil Armstrong shit. No, I refuse to give that to anyone else. From now on I'm just going to be like, "it was aight, been there done that."
Here's my quandary: if we tell the truth, and suggest some pointers are we really risking the relationship? If so, is that the kind of relationship or man you want? If they can't take criticism and would rather walk away tail between their legs, should we really go to such lengths as forsaking our own pleasure to keep this douche canoe happy?
I've been thinking about this issue for a while and have been consciously avoiding doing anything of the sort. Example you say, well.. I along with every woman I know hate, despise, loathe when a guy asks if "you like it." We hate having to reassure you whilst in the act. Literally, nothing annoys me more, so one time I just stopped pushed him away and point blank said, "No. No I don't. Stop talking." I was nervous that, that would be the end of that, instead he listened and I never had to deal with that shit again. Some guys do listen.
But, I'm still single. So most guys don't listen. Most guys aren't worth the lies.
Oh, and if you're a guy reading this, I hope you learned something. Because you are a guy let me sum it up real quick. No, we probably didn't, it wasn't the first time, yes I have had better and for the love of god, no I don't like it.
Ladies, how many times have you said, "I've never done this before" or "I don't usually do this" or "that was my first time" or my personal favortie, "yep, I did.. a couple times."
Who are we really helping when we speak these godforsaken lies? Are we helping ourselves, NO sure as hell aren't. Do you feel better, relieved, satisfied? Nope. No you don't. Are we helping the men, maybe at first. The initial stress and pressure they might feel is relieved.. but then they go on about their business thinking we are fully satisfied, when in fact we are far from it. We end up perpetuating this cycle of lackluster sexual experiences to no avail.
Let me tell you something, I too have been a victim of these fake reassurances and it got me absolutely nowhere. In the moment sure it seems like the right thing to do, especially when as a girl, you want to please this guy. You would do anything to make him feel good because you want him to stick around. Bullshit, it's bullshit! When really, all I'm thinking is yeah, you look real relieved must be fucking nice. I'm sure, actually I'm positive, that if the tables were turned, and you ladies were how should I put this.. "pleasing" your man and maybe it wasn't exactly to their liking, that they sure as shit gave you some pointers. Am I right? Enough said.
Also, what about the "that was the first" lie. My issue with this is, yes when it's good, its good. Then, when the relationship goes south into an inferno of flames (as mine typically do) then what. Then that asshole goes around for the rest of his life thinking "yep, I was the first to ...." as if he's metaphorically placed his flag in some part of your anatomy, some real Neil Armstrong shit. No, I refuse to give that to anyone else. From now on I'm just going to be like, "it was aight, been there done that."
Here's my quandary: if we tell the truth, and suggest some pointers are we really risking the relationship? If so, is that the kind of relationship or man you want? If they can't take criticism and would rather walk away tail between their legs, should we really go to such lengths as forsaking our own pleasure to keep this douche canoe happy?
I've been thinking about this issue for a while and have been consciously avoiding doing anything of the sort. Example you say, well.. I along with every woman I know hate, despise, loathe when a guy asks if "you like it." We hate having to reassure you whilst in the act. Literally, nothing annoys me more, so one time I just stopped pushed him away and point blank said, "No. No I don't. Stop talking." I was nervous that, that would be the end of that, instead he listened and I never had to deal with that shit again. Some guys do listen.
But, I'm still single. So most guys don't listen. Most guys aren't worth the lies.
Oh, and if you're a guy reading this, I hope you learned something. Because you are a guy let me sum it up real quick. No, we probably didn't, it wasn't the first time, yes I have had better and for the love of god, no I don't like it.
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