Recently I was introduced to bigredflags.com by a friend. Naturally the first thing I did was punch myself for not thinking of this first. Then, I started thinking of all those HUGE red flags I've noticed, but ignored in the past. You know what I'm talking about, those things that a guy (or girl) does, that kind of makes you cringe but you justify it and try to talk yourself into thinking that, it's not really a big deal, because you like them so much..or because you're desperate and don't want to be alone.. ya those. Well, i'm not proud, but I have totally ignored some red flags and after reading some of the stories on the blog (link above), I realized...enough is enough!!
I can no longer, no..I WILL NO LONGER ignore these red flags. I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay being single. I'd rather not be, but I am independent, I have amazing friends, I'm cool as hell and adventurous.. I don't need to subject myself to basically, self inflicted pain by ignoring things that are so blatant at times..when I should just walk away from the situation.
Let me preface the narration below, "hellerrrr" -should be read like Wendy Williams
"Baaa-nanas" -should be read like Rachel Zoe.
--If you don't know who these ladies are, 1st go slap yourself, 2nd google them.
Here are some of the red flags I've ignored:
Possessive 'Playground toy', boy: super jealous, questions every guy I talk to. Doesn't believe any guy friend is just a friend. When he sees me talking to anyone of the opposite sex, feels the need to wrap his hands around me and kiss me. After explaining that I wasn't into PDA, he asks me if I even like him then accuses me of liking his brother. --hellerrr RED FLAG
Man-Child serial monogamist/committment phobe?: repeatedly told me he didn't want anything serious. I pretended like I could be okay with something more casual, even though he wanted exclusivity..just not "the title," he said. Finally, he commits after I jokingly say something about not wanting to wait around. Ends up saying he wasn't ready for a relationship or marriage, granted the Man-Child is 28 and had been in a relationship with me for the last 8 months.. never mind that. Should have just listened when he told me, blatantly "I Don't Want Something Serious" --hellerrrrr RED FLAG!
Peter Pan syndrome: On multiple occasions, with multiple men I've ignored this doosie. This applies to a man over the age of 26 who has no drive, but all the imagination in the world. Can usually pick up and leave without a care in the world, (which doesn't always make you spontaneous and fun, it makes you completely un-grounded and perpetually looking for what's missing, rather than enjoying what you have.) NO direction, continues to tell you all his "dreams" as empty as they may be.. always has short term goals, nothing substantial of course. Then when they can't accomplish these irrelevant goals, they move on. Completely unfazed. --hellerrr RED FLAG.
The Sexual Deviant: When a "straight man" asks you to play around with his... not so straight man parts. --Hellerrrr RED FLAG! Baaa-nanas!!
Here are some RED FLAGS from people I know, whether they told me or not:
Guys in gangs/have been to jail/arrested/fighters etc. --Hellerrrr RED FLAG! Baaa-nanas!
Cheaters: being honest of your cheating past doesn't make you a saint. 80% of the time, it's kind of a warning. Then they can and will refer to that time where they told you they had a problem.
Baby Mama Drama: I'm sorry, but dating comes with it's own baggage. I don't need more. (neither do you!) --RED FLAG
Over 35 and never been married? - just weird. Afraid? what's wrong with them? -- Baaa-nanas
Those who perpetually accuse you of cheating: ok, I've said this before and I'll say it again, I believe guilt breeds jealousy. Those people who are constantly paranoid of being cheated on or accuse constantly..are just guilty. They are usually the ones fooling around. --RED FLAG
Guys without JOBS! (who are not actively pursuing one) -no explanation necessary --Hellerrrr RED FLAG!
Secret Keeper --RED FLAG!
Not-So-Social Drinker: when you can't plan an activity without alcohol, and the absence of alcohol is upsetting or results in anger issues. --Hellerrrr RED FLAG!
Like I said earlier, I WILL NO LONGER ignore these red flags. I am determined to listen to my gut. We all know whether a person is genuine early on and when you feel that gut check, aka red flag and ignore it you are setting yourself up for heartache. I am completely content with my life as it is and I will not continue to waste my time on a man who is simply...not worth it.
The times...they are a-changing! (here's hoping there is not a part 2)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dating Fairy Tales and Horror Stories
Since I'm newly dating..yet again, I've been thinking a lot about my standards. In a person and about the date itself..which led me down memory lane. I've had my fair share of dates (mostly first dates lol) some bad, some good..some amazing. Now, as a naturally curious person, I began to wonder if other people had similar dating stories, whether they are fairy tales or horror stories. I asked my friends on Facebook to tell me their best and/or worst dating stories..I didn't get too much of a response, as people are naturally cautious and would like to avoid embarrassment (normal). I on the other hand, completely void of modesty with an overwhelming need to entertain, have no problem sharing embarrassing uncomfortable stories.
My reasoning for this is to figure out if there are any good guys still out there, and if so..why haven't I met more of them. Where are they?
I've put great thought into this. My top 3 dates:
1. Received a call from a guy I met through a friend at a party the night before, where we talked about music and specifically a concert the next day, Angels and Airwaves. I mentioned really wanting to go, but had no one to go with..friends weren't really into the band etc. ..So this guy calls me the next day asking to hang out, sure I say. Couple hours later he's picking me up..no clue where we are going then parks downtown where he then tells me he is taking me to see Angels and Airwaves. Yaaaay, I squeal. We have a great time, get pizza then head to his place where he serenades me with his guitar..then drops me off at home. Gentleman.
(how lovely, right?! Attention to detail, genuine feeling and originality, needless to say it didn't work out (single)..but boy can he plan a first date.)
2. This is a second date. After an amazing dinner the night before, this guy invites me to a UT football game, spare ticket (i had already graduated and was dying to go to a game, since I was no longer able to pay student prices.)He picks me up, we have a great time at the game, gets me over-priced snacks, the works. Then, we continue at a tailgate after, with my friends. He is genuinely making an effort, getting to know my friends.. being social etc. Then suggest we all get food so we continue on (7 hrs later) eating dinner. Finally, the date is over and he say's he can't wait to see me again.
(awesome conversation, tons of time spent together and no awkward pauses. Overall splendid.)
3. Ex boyfriend, whom I met on vacation through friends. A very large group of us treks to Colorado every year, this year the girls flew and the guys drove. We, trying to save money on bag checking, sent our luggage with the guys to and fro. So after a week of spending time together on vacation, my ex texted me saying he has my luggage hostage and if I wanted it back I'd have to see him again. (I about died by how cute this all was). So when we get back into town I go over to his place, he then takes me to lunch..then coffee and back to his place where we continue to talk for hours.
(it was amazing. I knew I wanted to be with him immediately, he really had a knack for laying on the charm..while still being completely genuine...however, still hate him. :)
Now here are some of my friends, best dates:
Meg: Tour of her favorite winery where they watched a Rainstorm roll in from the patio. :) sounds majestic.
Ale (married): trip to Vegas that included a limo, helicopter ride and a fancy dinner followed by a secret engagement in the morning. - perfection.
Cori: Skydiving! followed by floating the river and ended in him making dinner and watching movies all night. -for the adventurous romantic, sounds amazing.
MY WORST DATE:
1. 1st date, we shall call him Tiny Dancer. Meet up downtown where I find him completely hammered. He then proceeds to dance like an idiot for 30 minutes before I completely lose my cool and politely ask him if he would like me to join him. His reply, "I'm a solo dancer, give me 10 minutes." ..needless to say, I gave him the whole night, I left to meet up with a group of friends.
Friends Worst Dates:
1. Her date made them leave a concert to go meet his coke dealer (no lie) then asked if she was into asphyxiation. - terrible.
2. She was forced to buy tickets to a concert for HER own birthday by her boyfriend, then he decides that they are going to a house-party instead and leaves with another girl. -DOUCHE.
3. getting too drunk and accidentally throwing up on them.. -oops..lol?
4. Being dumped because, hey.. my family is old fashioned and well..you're Mexican and Catholic, and well..my Mom expects me to Marry a White Baptist girl. Sorry. -hey douchebag, we've been dating for 9 months..not exactly hiding the fact that I'm Mexican. Dick!
With all this info, I'm still at square one. Dating is basically a game of risk. Dating is like playing chess. Dating is like going all in on a casino game in Vegas. Dating is being completely vulnerable and hoping for the best, trusting a complete stranger with your heart meanwhile trying to put your best foot forward. Dating is all these things and more..mostly, dating is something I'm terrible at. Now.. with just as many negative things that happen how does one stay positive? One could say I'm pessimistic and "glass half empty" but..can you blame me? All I know is that if I'm skeptical in my abilities to date.. how the hell am I supposed to trust a stranger?
I've had some good experience, still no closer to the end game, marriage. However, I'm not yet ready to give up. I'm hoping that I meet men worthy of the "best date" category and that the "worst date" men avoid me like the plague. How does one tell the difference? I mean, someone's trash is another's treasure..right?
My reasoning for this is to figure out if there are any good guys still out there, and if so..why haven't I met more of them. Where are they?
I've put great thought into this. My top 3 dates:
1. Received a call from a guy I met through a friend at a party the night before, where we talked about music and specifically a concert the next day, Angels and Airwaves. I mentioned really wanting to go, but had no one to go with..friends weren't really into the band etc. ..So this guy calls me the next day asking to hang out, sure I say. Couple hours later he's picking me up..no clue where we are going then parks downtown where he then tells me he is taking me to see Angels and Airwaves. Yaaaay, I squeal. We have a great time, get pizza then head to his place where he serenades me with his guitar..then drops me off at home. Gentleman.
(how lovely, right?! Attention to detail, genuine feeling and originality, needless to say it didn't work out (single)..but boy can he plan a first date.)
2. This is a second date. After an amazing dinner the night before, this guy invites me to a UT football game, spare ticket (i had already graduated and was dying to go to a game, since I was no longer able to pay student prices.)He picks me up, we have a great time at the game, gets me over-priced snacks, the works. Then, we continue at a tailgate after, with my friends. He is genuinely making an effort, getting to know my friends.. being social etc. Then suggest we all get food so we continue on (7 hrs later) eating dinner. Finally, the date is over and he say's he can't wait to see me again.
(awesome conversation, tons of time spent together and no awkward pauses. Overall splendid.)
3. Ex boyfriend, whom I met on vacation through friends. A very large group of us treks to Colorado every year, this year the girls flew and the guys drove. We, trying to save money on bag checking, sent our luggage with the guys to and fro. So after a week of spending time together on vacation, my ex texted me saying he has my luggage hostage and if I wanted it back I'd have to see him again. (I about died by how cute this all was). So when we get back into town I go over to his place, he then takes me to lunch..then coffee and back to his place where we continue to talk for hours.
(it was amazing. I knew I wanted to be with him immediately, he really had a knack for laying on the charm..while still being completely genuine...however, still hate him. :)
Now here are some of my friends, best dates:
Meg: Tour of her favorite winery where they watched a Rainstorm roll in from the patio. :) sounds majestic.
Ale (married): trip to Vegas that included a limo, helicopter ride and a fancy dinner followed by a secret engagement in the morning. - perfection.
Cori: Skydiving! followed by floating the river and ended in him making dinner and watching movies all night. -for the adventurous romantic, sounds amazing.
MY WORST DATE:
1. 1st date, we shall call him Tiny Dancer. Meet up downtown where I find him completely hammered. He then proceeds to dance like an idiot for 30 minutes before I completely lose my cool and politely ask him if he would like me to join him. His reply, "I'm a solo dancer, give me 10 minutes." ..needless to say, I gave him the whole night, I left to meet up with a group of friends.
Friends Worst Dates:
1. Her date made them leave a concert to go meet his coke dealer (no lie) then asked if she was into asphyxiation. - terrible.
2. She was forced to buy tickets to a concert for HER own birthday by her boyfriend, then he decides that they are going to a house-party instead and leaves with another girl. -DOUCHE.
3. getting too drunk and accidentally throwing up on them.. -oops..lol?
4. Being dumped because, hey.. my family is old fashioned and well..you're Mexican and Catholic, and well..my Mom expects me to Marry a White Baptist girl. Sorry. -hey douchebag, we've been dating for 9 months..not exactly hiding the fact that I'm Mexican. Dick!
With all this info, I'm still at square one. Dating is basically a game of risk. Dating is like playing chess. Dating is like going all in on a casino game in Vegas. Dating is being completely vulnerable and hoping for the best, trusting a complete stranger with your heart meanwhile trying to put your best foot forward. Dating is all these things and more..mostly, dating is something I'm terrible at. Now.. with just as many negative things that happen how does one stay positive? One could say I'm pessimistic and "glass half empty" but..can you blame me? All I know is that if I'm skeptical in my abilities to date.. how the hell am I supposed to trust a stranger?
I've had some good experience, still no closer to the end game, marriage. However, I'm not yet ready to give up. I'm hoping that I meet men worthy of the "best date" category and that the "worst date" men avoid me like the plague. How does one tell the difference? I mean, someone's trash is another's treasure..right?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Dating Quandary
I along with most other women I know are attracted to jerks. Don't get me wrong, I by no means go looking for the guy who will tear my heart in two. Instead, It's an innate characteristic of my subconscious to recognize this severe character flaw in guys who either suppress it deep down to where even they forget they are tools, or those who have yet to be a tool, but boy do they have it in them. Leave it to me to be the lucky gal who unleashes the beast.
After an earth shattering break-up, and yes I've had my fair share, I attempt to date a guy who is the complete opposite or at least seems like it from the afore mentioned tool. In this case, a very nice guy I met at a concert; (shared interest, granted, met ex at concert..oops). New guy however, into Church, very nice, didn't wait the "3" days, set up a date right away then makes another date at the end of the current one: showing interest. All good, great on paper, but ...I can't tell if I like him because he's different and doing things I always thought I wanted or because I actually like him.
I'm second guessing myself a lot these days, so as you can imagine I don't know what "the feeling" feels like anymore. You know that stomach flip you get when you see or talk to someone you like, I had that with my ex all the time, even though we saw each other everyday. This situation is different, I'm on the mend from said break-up, I'm cautious..have a major guard up. I like talking to him, like spending time with him, enjoy the lady-like and appropriate physical interaction thus far, okay..kissing. I do get enjoyment when I'm with him, but I can't tell if it's nerves or "the feeling". Then I think about all the times I've had a "feeling" before, I never second guessed that or thought twice about it. Also, I don't want to jump into another relationship, I feel like I should date multiple guys, really take advantage of keeping my options opened. I along with most girls though, are decent human beings and once we like someone, we don't want to like anyone else. (World's strangest concept for a Manchild.) So my predicament is...to continue dating this guy? Speed up, slow down, date around??? So many questions running through my mind.
Why can't I be happy with a nice guy? It's not for lack of trying or being open to it. I'm doing everything, but when is that not enough. How much time do you give it?
After an earth shattering break-up, and yes I've had my fair share, I attempt to date a guy who is the complete opposite or at least seems like it from the afore mentioned tool. In this case, a very nice guy I met at a concert; (shared interest, granted, met ex at concert..oops). New guy however, into Church, very nice, didn't wait the "3" days, set up a date right away then makes another date at the end of the current one: showing interest. All good, great on paper, but ...I can't tell if I like him because he's different and doing things I always thought I wanted or because I actually like him.
I'm second guessing myself a lot these days, so as you can imagine I don't know what "the feeling" feels like anymore. You know that stomach flip you get when you see or talk to someone you like, I had that with my ex all the time, even though we saw each other everyday. This situation is different, I'm on the mend from said break-up, I'm cautious..have a major guard up. I like talking to him, like spending time with him, enjoy the lady-like and appropriate physical interaction thus far, okay..kissing. I do get enjoyment when I'm with him, but I can't tell if it's nerves or "the feeling". Then I think about all the times I've had a "feeling" before, I never second guessed that or thought twice about it. Also, I don't want to jump into another relationship, I feel like I should date multiple guys, really take advantage of keeping my options opened. I along with most girls though, are decent human beings and once we like someone, we don't want to like anyone else. (World's strangest concept for a Manchild.) So my predicament is...to continue dating this guy? Speed up, slow down, date around??? So many questions running through my mind.
Why can't I be happy with a nice guy? It's not for lack of trying or being open to it. I'm doing everything, but when is that not enough. How much time do you give it?
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