First Date Behavior.

My name is Sam, and I've failed you. I'm sorry.

This is a dating blog and I have yet to describe current dating scenarios, that is.. until now. As you may have read, I've attempted to get out there and date more, if not for the torture my Mother gives me by telling me I will die alone, then for the sheer entertainment if gives my friends, and you, of course. I have been on a whirlwind of dates lately. Some good,some decent, some great, actually. The most memorable one evolved into something I didn't expect: being myself. 

I know, that sounds terrible, who else are you supposed to be, right? But what I mean is, on a first date aren't you always trying to be the better version of yourself - which in my case involves an inner monologue like this: "don't talk and chew, do not cuss, cross your legs ...no cross your ankles, whores cross legs - ladies cross ankles.. isn't that what they said in the Princess Diaries, ..princess.. oh that's nice, what would Kate Middleton do? Ohhh to be married, ..can I marry this guy? I wonder what he looks like naked.. no.. stop that Sam, you are a lady.. you will not hook up with him, shit. fuck. can't stop thinking about penis size.. little or big, quit looking at his crotch, you're being obvious. Did you just talk while chewing? Do NOT CUSS. FUCK. don't talk about your family, DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DADDY ISSUES, cross your legs dammit  NO ankles. shit. fuck. DID I JUST CUSS.. again? Fuck. this date is over. Does he hate me? Wait, is that a smile.. oh he loves me."

Do you see why being myself on that date was shocking. I'm a mess, a fucking mess. I've got more going on in my mind than scrambled FM station in BFE. Here's whats even more baffling, he liked me. The whole version of me. I cursed, a lot. Talked about ex's (by accident), my baggage,  my obvious daddy issues -briefly, cursed some more, went over my hatred for "Bros", mentioned being a spinster at weddings lately..I even discussed the amount of creeper dick pics I get. Yes, dick pics. "Do you really get that many?' He asked. "Sadly, yes..but here's my issue" I continued, "Let me preface this comment with; if you send me a dick pic, I reserve the right to show all of my friends... now, why are they never hard? I mean seriously..if you are going to send a dick pic, why wouldn't you at least make sure you were hard? Am I supposed to say..yep, that soft bag of flesh is exactly what I'm missing out on, I'm definitely going to sleep with you, now." I finished. At this point my inner monologue was out of control- screaming at myself for screwing it up... but yet, he leans in and kisses me. I mean, by any other circumstance, I should have been in my sweatpants sans bra on the couch eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's crying my life away because I'm going to die alone while tough-loving myself by re-watching "He's just not that into you" for the billionth time. Instead, he kissed me, told me he was having a great time and was being himself which he didn't expect.  MIND BLOWN. I immediately liked this guy. I was funny, charming, crude, sarcastic.. you know, myself, something only my closest and longest friends get to see.. and this kid witnessed it on day one.. and still liked me? He liked it so much he called the next day. He even joked about it on the following day by saying, "I'm about to send you a soft dick pic, I hear you're into that" ..I mean, could this guy be more perfect? Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves, but still.. he definitely made an impression.

Date two should be interesting. Maybe I'll update you. Maybe I won't.. maybe I'll end up on my couch, in sweat pants eating a tub of Cherry Garcia tough-loving myself for the billionth time, over-analyzing every lesson on "He's just not that into you" which is probably worn out by now..but here's to positive thoughts, right!?

How do you act on a first date?