Happy Holidaze?

Tis the Season.... of loneliness, wine, and Mr. Darcy.

Standards - Normally:

Sense of humor

Good looking

Ambitious

Good job

Reliable transportation

Bachelor’s degree or higher

Well versed in current events

Good taste in music

Compassionate

Liberal to moderately conservative

Can watch chick flicks without whining

Foodie

Sexual

Buys me brunch

Gets along with my friends

Will go to gay bars with me and besties

Has a good group of friends

Beard

Ginger please!
Can put Ikea furniture together - and will.
Patience

Standards during Holidays when you’re Single:

Man

Has working parts

Doesn't make you throw up when you think about him naked

Has once had a job

Mentally stable?

Isn't a hobo

Has made a joke, at least once

Man.

Not gay.

Welcome to the Circus

As I sit here writing this blog, hair wet just out of a hopeful sobering shower and a head that feels like it was both trampled on by a circus tap-dancing elephant and rammed into by a semi-truck, I realized that my blogging is always best when hungover. Now, I thought about that for a while (until the pain of thinking was unbearable, coupled with the a fore mentioned late 20s hangover from hell) and realized that it is probably because in my hungover state, I'm consumed with only the most embarrassing flashbacks from the night before and the regret of Fireball still fresh on my tongue, I feel all the feels. Shame, regret, continued loss of dignity, hatred of men and high heels.. etc. Last night wasn't the worst of the worst; on the Hot Mess Express scale I was only about a 4. Somehow one hangover can bring back forgotten or pushed back feels from before. One being the lack of action I've had the opportunity to partake in. When your sleep body pillow is the most action you've had in a while, things get real dark. You forget you even need human interaction, that is, until some grocery bagger accidentally grazes your hand while handing you your hummus and tampons and you feel an electric current go through your hands straight down to your lady parts that have been in hibernation. You've awoke the sleeping monster and now.. you are fantasizing about this pimply teenager who "definitely meant to touch you.. should you exchange touches? wink? bat your lashes?" Your incredibly specific standards have dissipated, the thirst is real.

So what do you do, you've awakened the beast. You thought you were above this. Content in your self-imposed spinsterdom. You stopped going out, you don't care to meet new people. You are working on yourself, getting your life together -which, is totally paying off by the way (go me!) But how do you fight the urge. You remember what it felt like, it was wonderful, like Christmas and your birthday combined. Logically, the next step is Tinder, right? Nope. Nope. Nope. If there is a way to remind myself of those incredibly specific standards, it's getting on Tinder. I can't make it through those "profiles" without screaming out, "how did you make it past infancy?!?!"

Obviously, you just need to go out. Tinder is a bust, so the old fashioned face-to-face interaction, will definitely be up your alley. I mean, I'm waaaaay more hilarious in person than monotone messages. Apparently I'm also waaaaay more blunt and expressive in person too. Backfire. Sorry, but if you go on and on about your high school football victories, 10 years after high school, I've lost all respect for you. I also don't care that you were voted class whatever. Let it go man, let it go. This coupled with my need for physical interaction poses a problem. I just can't deal, so ... the only real solution here is to order shots. See, the way guys use alcohol to make girls seem more attractive, is the way I use alcohol to make guys seem more interesting. Welp, it never works. you always end up seeing them for what they are in the sober morning, and wait for it.. .yep, there is the shame. Comes nicely with "what was your name again?"

Naturally I start looking up arranged marriages. Ugh, you have to be domestic for those to work. I can cook and clean, but I will make no binding promises to do either. This is normal, right? People (my Mother) are always pressuring me about "getting out there" quite frankly, I'm over it. If the grocery store kid is the most action I get, I'll make more trips to the grocery store, but sometimes, taking some time away from the side-show freak circus that is dating, is a good thing. Maybe I won't be the age I thought I'd be when I find "the one," but at least I'll know that I can stand alone, supporting myself, completely in love with myself when I do. I'm not sure that a lot of people would be able to say that. So to the skeptics and my Mother, I say.. "back up off me" and "I need to go grocery shopping, brb!"

Feminist: The other “F” word.

To eradicate the negative connotation, that should never have been associated; I will dumb it down and give you the exact definition.

Feminism (n): The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

"Feminism." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 3 Sept. 2014. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feminism>.

See, not so harmful is it? I’m sick and tired of being mocked, laughed at, and dismissed or being called a lesbian because surely, a strong independent woman who believes in equal rights of the sexes, can’t also be beautiful, straight, and smart, right? No, instead she’s described as a shrew of a woman, who probably has a penis or is a leg-hair-covered, Birkenstock-wearing, the Feminine Mystique toting lesbian. (Not that there is anything wrong with leg hair or Birkenstocks – that’s just how we are typically portrayed.)

 I’m here to tell you, feminists come in many forms. Many shapes and sizes, and even… sexes. Yes, Men can be feminists too. I’d love to see more of them. What really chaps my cheeks is that the general perception of a feminist is someone who is always complaining, I can see the eye rolls from the news articles, nay, from you reading this right now, but give me a minute. Stop and think about it, if news was presented in a way that was equal to the sexes, then there wouldn't be a feminist reaction. It would be accepted by all. Instead you have people asking women like Tina Fey, “How do you do it all?” Well, why wouldn’t you ask Jimmy Fallon that? He has his own show; he is a parent, why do we not ask this ignorant question to Men? Are we still that simple, that being a successful working parent is so hard to believe --- NO, just being a successful working Mother. Things like this, seem to go unnoticed and not bother a large percentage of people, it is the ones that it insults that need to come to the defense, in this case, Feminists. This is just one of the many examples. But what the general population sees is a rather “normal – inoffensive” question being complained about. But the very nature of the question is so deep rooted with loaded accusations that for us, it isn’t “normal” or “inoffensive” rather, it is an attack on parental duty, on being a successful businesswoman, because surely you must be lacking in either department, how dare you do it all with ease, it presumes.

Another serious issue recently brought to light with all these celebrity nude pictures being leaked is how it is being referred to as a “scandal” rather than a “crime.”  These photos were accessed illegally through their private cell phones. Therefore, as a person who chooses to take any photos of themselves on their own property should not have to apologize for it being illegally obtained and distributed. It is ridiculous. They should not be shamed, held accountable (to an extent, albeit), but definitely shouldn’t be labeled as a scandal or something that was orchestrated.

This issue of a woman having to apologize or take more precautions than a man to be safe is something I have spent countless hours thinking about. Let’s start out with the new nail polish made for women that will test your drink for the “date-rape” drug. Great, it is a great product, and I do fully support being safe. I just wish that this product, made by men, wouldn't NEED to exist in 2014. By telling women to wear nail polish that can save them from being raped, or take self-defense classes in case you get assaulted and raped, or carry a gun in case you are assaulted and raped we are telling them, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. IT IS UP TO YOU. IF YOU GET ASSAULTED OR RAPED: THIS IS ON YOU. WHY DIDN'T YOU WEAR THE NAIL POLISH? WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE SELF-DEFENSE CLASSES? WHY WEREN'T YOU PREPARED? It begs the question, who are we really blaming?

THIS. NEEDS. TO. STOP. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to stop the perpetrator? All of this focus on education and responsibility should be placed on the person who ACTUALLY commits the crime. Where is the class for Men on respecting women? Knowing that “NO” is a definitive choice, an answer – NOT a suggestion; that Women ARE NOT property, they are NOT objects solely for their pleasure. WOMEN are individuals with the same rights – and not victims, they are not prey. For every self-defense class for women, there should be an educational “NO means NO” class for men.

I’ll say it again, IT IS 2014. Come on, why is this still an issue?

I won’t even get into the Hillary [freaking] Rodham Clinton debate for fear of losing this audience, but that in itself is a testament to the struggle. Hillary is a badass – I will leave it there.

26 Reasons Why People are the Worst

1. People ask you how you are but really don’t care. We all know this and accept it as a general rule of social interaction.

2. Even worse, when people TELL YOU everything when you were just observing the rule just mentioned.

 

3. Small talk: where you ask the same questions and have to answer the same questions when seeing any acquaintance anywhere or worse, when meeting new people. If your good friends try to engage in small talk, get rid of them

4. People who don’t use turn signals when driving

5. Slow walkers

6. Screaming children

7. Parents of screaming children who do nothing – they are immune and tuned out, THE REST OF US are not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. People who answer their phones at the movies – it’s not that important

9. Friends who betray you

10. Friends who you gave a second chance, who BETRAY YOU AGAIN?!?!

11. When people call you and pretend to be interested in how you’re doing only to vent or talk about their own lives or feelings. Just say, “hey I really need to talk” don’t bullshit me with your fake concern for my life.

12. Having to bite your tongue at work because you really need your job

13. Gym rats who judge you

14. People who project their obsessions and insecurities (not necessarily related, but often are) on other people

15. Cheating, humans who cheat ARE THE WORST

16. Not understanding Girl/Guy code and trying to justify your crimes against the sacred code

17. Women who say, “Guys are just less drama, All my friends are guys, girls don’t like me for some reason” YOU. YOU ARE THE REASON. Ovaries before brovaries, betch

18. When a man uses the term, “females” to refer to women

19. When your friend who is constantly on a diet eats a salad as you proceed to inhale the left side of the menu and wash it down with 4 beers, as they sip water

20. When YOU are on a diet and order a salad and your friend proceeds to inhale the left side of the menu and wash it down with 4 beers, as you sip water.

21. When you just want to go dancing and no one wants to go

22. When you’d rather Netflix than go to the same bar with the same people and drink the same thing and have the same conversations you’ve had 23438 other times

23. When the person you are having a conversation with decides now is the best time to text on my phone and check all my messages and bullshit internet farm/village/castle or whatever the shit.

24. When people invite you to a imaginary farm/village/castle/sock game and you’re like WTF, no thanks, too busy living my life in the real world.

25. People who would rather hinder the happiness of complete strangers because it makes THEM uncomfortable

26. People who use religion to justify the afore mentioned - as they, like everyone else, continues living in sin. THEY ARE THE ACTUAL WORST

Soooooo... yea, people are the worst and I am going into hiding.

Will Marry for Green Card

Dating in your late twenties might as well be the Hunger Games. Well, that might be a little extreme but that's how I feel. There's no one left, where are they?! It's like every time I find someone who has potential... something weird happens and I can hear the cannon, then I know it's over. One less body in the game, and I'm that much closer to dying alone.

 I have issues, I'm aware but what's most terrifying is that people with way more serious issues have already found someone to accept them, and mine, while still existent but way less terrifying can't seem to trick anyone to stick around. That, and well.. sometimes I just give up on them. Okay, most of the time. I don't like to settle. I know what I want and more problematic (in my case) is that I know what I don't want.

I am always in my head, over-analyzing everything. I mean everything, from the situation, to the text they sent or didn't send, to the word choice and how that means so soooo much more, to their choice in music, movies etc. I can't just have a conversation like a normal person. When you say something like, "I don't know, I don't really have a favorite band.. I kind of listen to everything" I hear, "I have commitment issues, I don't care enough about anything to have a strong feeling, I'll probably leave you for someone who needs saving and makes me feel like a big strong man, and I don't think music is that important (clearly a deal breaker.)"
If you say something like, "I don't really like to go out." I hear, "I am a serial killer, I have social anxiety, I'm socially awkward and/or I'm too broke to go out, I'm technically homeless.. do you have a few bucks for food?"

You see what I mean, don't even get me started on emoji choices?! Ok, so the winky face emoji, everyone knows is basically porn. But when used with kind of a passive aggressive dig, I assume it's like saying, "this is what I really think, but this little winky face emoji is going to soften the blow." So, now I hate the winky face emoji. Any heart or kissy emoji, if used to soon, makes me think one of two things:
One, you are desperate and have so many feels, and I can't. I CAN'T. Your feels make me uncomfortable and I feel like less of a woman, why am I so cold? I just can't.
Two, SEX. All you want is sex and the emoji is doing your dirty work. So fuck you and your stupid trampy emoji face, because I am NOT that kind of girl... anymore. Unless I'm going through a dry spell, in which case, I will save your number and probably sit on your face, but I definitely won't date you.

So if and when I ever do make it to a first date I've basically already seen our future, I already know 50 ways this will end. And only about 4 of those ends happily. Most of them end up in me being hurt, cheated, dead, murdered, in jail, depressed and more often than not... still single. So when someone suggests meeting up in a few days to go on a date, there's a 60% I will cancel, because, "I already know how this will end." You have given me waaaaay too much time to plot out our demise. This can only make things worse, how am I supposed to fall in love if I'm "wasting" my time with someone who clearly is not the one. What is wrong with me?! How is dating so easy for people? I have to basically be the complete opposite of myself, and be at least two drinks in to even stand a chance at a normal conversation. I have to consciously tell myself that those scenarios aren't real. That I am not doomed, and that this person is a stranger, not the character I have just won a Pulitzer Prize for in my head.

Ugh.. this would be so much easier if I just married someone for a green card and then we eventually fell in love. Any hot foreigners out there? Seriously though.

They Don't Call it a Job for Nothing

This one is dedicated to all the overly eager, selfish, lackluster partners who are just doing it wrong. Probably in life, but definitely at being a decent recipient of the most treasured gift; oral pleasure. Rather than thank your lucky stars, you make girls (or boys) everywhere want to stop putting things in their mouth. This is for you, and the fate of your future fellatio.

First off do not ask or beg for a blowie. It's unbecoming and frankly... makes you look pathetic, also we immediately decide at that moment to not give you one for being so thirsty.  I mean seriously, if it's going to happen, let your partner offer.

Now when things are getting hot and you are in full blown make out session and clothes are starting to come off; more often than not guys have the audacity to just whip it out and put it right there, all up in your face. Like we don't see it. I'm sorry, but no. Just no. You're not sly, I can see you moving, inching up trying to get your penis eye level. It isn't coy or cute, it's infuriating. No one wants to look the one eyed monster directly in the eye. No one. It looks so angry.
Guys are so transparent. Maybe just maybe if you were as eager to please your partner you wouldn't have to try so hard to get, well... Hard.

Alright so you've played your cards right.. It's happening. You are feeling all the good feels. Life is great. You are on top of the world.. And then you think; because you are a man and incapable of being content, rather you feel the need to fulfill every insatiable desire, "it could be a little better ...or deeper? I'm just gonna guide her..." NO. DO NOT TOUCH OUR HEADS. If you are lucky enough to be at this stage you have won the lottery, but again because you are selfish, you make the rookie mistake of trying to attain the soulless witchcraft you see in porn by "gently" forcing your partner to "deepthroat" you. You don't deserve a blowie. Instead you deserve the blue balls you will most definitely get once we stop. And trust me, if your partner has to wave your hand away from their head more than once, it will stop. Maybe for a long, long time. Sorry, we aren't sorry. Maybe you should stop watching so much damn porn because let me tell you, fellatio is not fun for us. Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing. So take your sorry ass, wannabe porn moves, to some little trollop who will pretend to "loooove giving head" to keep you for a few weeks. But remember, she's also seen her fair share of penises... and she's rehearsed that little speech before, and well... there's the practice.

I don't see what's so hard about receiving a blow job, you literally do not have to do anything. Nothing, there is nothing for you to do, yet you guys just keep fucking it up. Have you ever noticed that when you are giving the gift of magic to a woman, otherwise known as cunnilingus she does nothing. No words, no bullshit pretzely yoga looking moves brought to you by porn, no forcing of your head, maybe there is direction or occasional screams of pure, unadulterated ecstasy, but that's it. For the most part we just lay back and enjoy. TAKE A HINT.

Maybe next time, see what kind of oral reciprocation you can offer your partner and the more frequent you are successful at it, the more blowies you'll receive, without having to ask, beg, or covertly suggest. I know we get a lot of shit for being so complicated and never saying what we mean and blah blah bullshit chauvinist agenda.. but women are simple creatures, really. We want to be treated well. When we are, we treat you well.
If you don't, I'm currently on a mission to start a movement, that movement is sitting on your goddamn face. Half the time I do it for pleasure, the other half, is to shut you the fuck up. So now you can know what it feels like to just have it happen to you, instead of offering.

Ever heard that saying, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." I'm just saying.

Ladies, am I right? Gents, you're welcome.

Knock Knock.

As most of you know, i've recently returned home, tail between legs and all. I've been living back home for about 3 months now and it is just as bad as you think it might be. I will say though, that this homecoming has brought a great job with upward movement and earning potential as well as, wait for it... RELOCATION. Praise! Also, it has brought some good family time and reconnecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends, as well as those randoms from high school you ignore on social media.. but alas, now you unable escape them. Not a fan. Anyway, the hardest part of it all is the lack of privacy and independence. I don't know why or when it happens exactly, but I went from this self sufficient, make-shit-happen, badass to, "Mommmm, I'm hungry can you make me an omelette. Pleasssseee!" I mean one second I'm telling my parents how I have a handful of recipes in my wheel house and then i'm 12 years old again with no knowledge of how to turn on a stove. That was mostly the first 6 weeks. Thankfully I've snapped out of it. I'm not gonna bullshit you, it was mostly because I am 26 and I have the metabolism of a 26 year old drunkard who eats burgers at 2am. I am not 12, and my decrepid metabolism reminds me every day. Regardless, I am back on my clean eating kick and cooking for myself. I've been an almost strict paleo follower for about 3 weeks now. It is a real bitch, but it is finally getting easier. It doesn't help that my house is crawling with sweets. Donuts, cookies, ice cream, candy.. tortillas. I mean, it's everywhere!  You know, it's getting worse, and I don't doubt that my devilish mother, who I often refer to as Satan, is doing it on purpose. She sees me struggling with Paleo, so what does she do, buys THREE kinds of donuts a week now. THREE.

Then there is the whole lack of privacy. That is the worst. I had a roommate before, sure. But we were respectful of eachother's pricavy and we didn't share a wall. ....you see where I'm going with this? Here is the real issue and the cause of all my problems. It has been so long, since I have felt the weight of a man on top of me. Too long. Why don't I just go and fix that situation you ask? Well for one, I've moved on from that stage in my life, believe it or not. Seriously, though. I don't want a hookup, and if I did, it would be with someone I trust and one I have a precedent with, those are all back in Austin.. so, so far away. "Well, fine - meet someone then" you say? No. The valley is infested with tools. Mexican macho, "woman-make-me-a-sandwich" douchebags of epic proportions. I want no part in that. Even if I could get past it, I just haven't seen anyone remotely my type that would excite my lower half. Winter, alone, with no love was brutal. I'm talking John Snow north of The Wall, brutal.  (<--GOT reference: maybe that's why I'm not getting laid?)

So what is a girl to do? Well, like I said, Ive returned to my former self: self-sufficient, make-shit-happen, badass. But there is nothing more depressing then having to lock your door at 26, for fear of your parents walking in on you. I leave you with that. My life, for every positive step I take forward, I take 3 miserably depressing embarrassing steps back.