Will Marry for Green Card

Dating in your late twenties might as well be the Hunger Games. Well, that might be a little extreme but that's how I feel. There's no one left, where are they?! It's like every time I find someone who has potential... something weird happens and I can hear the cannon, then I know it's over. One less body in the game, and I'm that much closer to dying alone.

 I have issues, I'm aware but what's most terrifying is that people with way more serious issues have already found someone to accept them, and mine, while still existent but way less terrifying can't seem to trick anyone to stick around. That, and well.. sometimes I just give up on them. Okay, most of the time. I don't like to settle. I know what I want and more problematic (in my case) is that I know what I don't want.

I am always in my head, over-analyzing everything. I mean everything, from the situation, to the text they sent or didn't send, to the word choice and how that means so soooo much more, to their choice in music, movies etc. I can't just have a conversation like a normal person. When you say something like, "I don't know, I don't really have a favorite band.. I kind of listen to everything" I hear, "I have commitment issues, I don't care enough about anything to have a strong feeling, I'll probably leave you for someone who needs saving and makes me feel like a big strong man, and I don't think music is that important (clearly a deal breaker.)"
If you say something like, "I don't really like to go out." I hear, "I am a serial killer, I have social anxiety, I'm socially awkward and/or I'm too broke to go out, I'm technically homeless.. do you have a few bucks for food?"

You see what I mean, don't even get me started on emoji choices?! Ok, so the winky face emoji, everyone knows is basically porn. But when used with kind of a passive aggressive dig, I assume it's like saying, "this is what I really think, but this little winky face emoji is going to soften the blow." So, now I hate the winky face emoji. Any heart or kissy emoji, if used to soon, makes me think one of two things:
One, you are desperate and have so many feels, and I can't. I CAN'T. Your feels make me uncomfortable and I feel like less of a woman, why am I so cold? I just can't.
Two, SEX. All you want is sex and the emoji is doing your dirty work. So fuck you and your stupid trampy emoji face, because I am NOT that kind of girl... anymore. Unless I'm going through a dry spell, in which case, I will save your number and probably sit on your face, but I definitely won't date you.

So if and when I ever do make it to a first date I've basically already seen our future, I already know 50 ways this will end. And only about 4 of those ends happily. Most of them end up in me being hurt, cheated, dead, murdered, in jail, depressed and more often than not... still single. So when someone suggests meeting up in a few days to go on a date, there's a 60% I will cancel, because, "I already know how this will end." You have given me waaaaay too much time to plot out our demise. This can only make things worse, how am I supposed to fall in love if I'm "wasting" my time with someone who clearly is not the one. What is wrong with me?! How is dating so easy for people? I have to basically be the complete opposite of myself, and be at least two drinks in to even stand a chance at a normal conversation. I have to consciously tell myself that those scenarios aren't real. That I am not doomed, and that this person is a stranger, not the character I have just won a Pulitzer Prize for in my head.

Ugh.. this would be so much easier if I just married someone for a green card and then we eventually fell in love. Any hot foreigners out there? Seriously though.