They Don't Call it a Job for Nothing

This one is dedicated to all the overly eager, selfish, lackluster partners who are just doing it wrong. Probably in life, but definitely at being a decent recipient of the most treasured gift; oral pleasure. Rather than thank your lucky stars, you make girls (or boys) everywhere want to stop putting things in their mouth. This is for you, and the fate of your future fellatio.

First off do not ask or beg for a blowie. It's unbecoming and frankly... makes you look pathetic, also we immediately decide at that moment to not give you one for being so thirsty.  I mean seriously, if it's going to happen, let your partner offer.

Now when things are getting hot and you are in full blown make out session and clothes are starting to come off; more often than not guys have the audacity to just whip it out and put it right there, all up in your face. Like we don't see it. I'm sorry, but no. Just no. You're not sly, I can see you moving, inching up trying to get your penis eye level. It isn't coy or cute, it's infuriating. No one wants to look the one eyed monster directly in the eye. No one. It looks so angry.
Guys are so transparent. Maybe just maybe if you were as eager to please your partner you wouldn't have to try so hard to get, well... Hard.

Alright so you've played your cards right.. It's happening. You are feeling all the good feels. Life is great. You are on top of the world.. And then you think; because you are a man and incapable of being content, rather you feel the need to fulfill every insatiable desire, "it could be a little better ...or deeper? I'm just gonna guide her..." NO. DO NOT TOUCH OUR HEADS. If you are lucky enough to be at this stage you have won the lottery, but again because you are selfish, you make the rookie mistake of trying to attain the soulless witchcraft you see in porn by "gently" forcing your partner to "deepthroat" you. You don't deserve a blowie. Instead you deserve the blue balls you will most definitely get once we stop. And trust me, if your partner has to wave your hand away from their head more than once, it will stop. Maybe for a long, long time. Sorry, we aren't sorry. Maybe you should stop watching so much damn porn because let me tell you, fellatio is not fun for us. Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing. So take your sorry ass, wannabe porn moves, to some little trollop who will pretend to "loooove giving head" to keep you for a few weeks. But remember, she's also seen her fair share of penises... and she's rehearsed that little speech before, and well... there's the practice.

I don't see what's so hard about receiving a blow job, you literally do not have to do anything. Nothing, there is nothing for you to do, yet you guys just keep fucking it up. Have you ever noticed that when you are giving the gift of magic to a woman, otherwise known as cunnilingus she does nothing. No words, no bullshit pretzely yoga looking moves brought to you by porn, no forcing of your head, maybe there is direction or occasional screams of pure, unadulterated ecstasy, but that's it. For the most part we just lay back and enjoy. TAKE A HINT.

Maybe next time, see what kind of oral reciprocation you can offer your partner and the more frequent you are successful at it, the more blowies you'll receive, without having to ask, beg, or covertly suggest. I know we get a lot of shit for being so complicated and never saying what we mean and blah blah bullshit chauvinist agenda.. but women are simple creatures, really. We want to be treated well. When we are, we treat you well.
If you don't, I'm currently on a mission to start a movement, that movement is sitting on your goddamn face. Half the time I do it for pleasure, the other half, is to shut you the fuck up. So now you can know what it feels like to just have it happen to you, instead of offering.

Ever heard that saying, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." I'm just saying.

Ladies, am I right? Gents, you're welcome.