Little things.

I am now a 26 semi functioning adult woman. As such, I've come to acquire some knowledge that would have been extremely helpful and would have made life a hell of a lot easier if women would have fucking told me when I was pre-pubescent. Topics we are all familiar with, but the important un-discussed parts such as:

Men, brace yourself, I'm beginning with... PERIODS. Why doesn't anyone tell you how bad the emotional and physical side effects are going to be. Sure they warn you about cramps and back pain, bloating and the occasional headache. Here's what they don't tell you: one week before your period you turn in to a fucking chihuahua and want to dry hump the living shit out of every man (or woman, if that's what you're in to) who makes more than 3 seconds of eye contact with you. Then you get super emotional and can't decide between chocolate and spicy food or sour stuff. Every commercial makes you cry and the outside world makes you furious. Combine your emotional warfare with debilitating cramps, back pain and then oh hey why not throw in some extreme bloating to increase your self-loathing and bring you back to a state of being an emotional wreck every time you see yourself naked in the mirror, that's fun! Whew and then repeat every month UNTIL YOU DRY UP and go through menopause. Oh the joys of being a woman.

Then there's breakups, oh lawd. Mothers, please fully prepare your daughters for their first world shattering breakup. Tell them it's ok to just, sit and cry. Then tell them that after 2-3 days they need to focus on something else. Tell them that eating normally is imperative. Then tell them, that building up walls to make sure they never feel that way again will never work, it will only make things worse. Finally, tell them they will probably feel that way at least 3 more times, but it's ok because it will eventually work out. (Right? Here's hoping!)

Dating: listen up ladies, those gut feelings you get, listen to them. You are recognizing those red flags that if ignored, will come back and bite you in the ass.

Friendship: For the love of god, treat your friends like the way you want to be treated. Know when to repair and when to end a friendship. Go above and beyond for them, but if they don't do the same recognize that they may not be as good of a friend as you thought they were. Then decide if you can keep them as an acquaintance or just let it fizzle out.

Exercise: Do it for you. NO one else. Especially not a man. If a guy ever tells you that you'd be even more beautiful if you lost some weight, reply with this, "Yea, you might be right, but you'd be a hell of a lot more satisfying if your dick grew another inch." Then delete that asshole from your life. Bye, Felicia. 

Shopping: just because it's on sale, is not good enough. Buy things you KNOW you will wear. Shoes are kryptonite, those.. you can buy on sale. (I have a problem.) Versatile pieces will transform your wardrobe, layering will make your closet work in all seasons. The only designer pieces you can justify are: purses, watches and jeans. Everything else probably won't last and won't make a difference. Cute is cute bitch, stop being such a label whore.


These are just some things I wish I knew from the get-go. Do you agree? What else would you add?

Mr. "Technically" We're Not Together

Color me annoyed. I am aware of the many.. many.. maaaaany forms of douche but in all my years I've never been so duped. That is if I was talking about me, hypothetically.. I mean, it could be anyone. Suck on that internet.

The "She's not technically my girlfriend" douche, aka the "committmentphobe" douche, aka the "keep her on the back-burner" douche. Ah yes.. I know the latter two but the first, I have yet to meet, well.. until recently.

Let's just say I've had a friend for a while, a friend who shares a lot of the same interests as I do. One such interest is music and this amazing little music festival/vacation I attend annually, errr we attend annually. Anyway, as in the past four years.. this trip comes around, like clockwork there is an initial message, "Hey you going this year?" followed by the obvious, "yea, duh.. where are you staying?" ...which escalates to "let's meet up at  [condo name]."

This year however, is different, I Facebook stalk just as much as the next girl.. or as I like to think of it.. doing my due diligence. Well.. seems our little friend has a "sorta girlfriend" you know.. Facebook default photo of the two.. trips and lots of check-ins/status updates with just them - mostly on her part. So I was pretty weary of how this trip would go down this year, would she be there too? They are not "Facebook Official" so maybe its not serious? Does that make me horrible? Don't care. --err sorta. I really care actually.. but let's just say that hypothetically, there has been past transgressions with the afore mentioned and let's just say that it was AMAZING. EARTH SHATTERING DELICIOUSNESS. See my problem, uuuh hypothetically that is.

Fast forward to the trip. Day one - "Hey, I'm at [insert concert] you here?" He responds, "Yea, where are you?!" --fast forward once more to me hanging out with him and his entire family.. oh yea. I've met his family (father, brother, sister, sister-in-law) the whole shaaabang. Why aren't we dating? Well... good question, he lives in a different state :( .. i know.  Well, my guilty conscience starts  panging so i bluntly ask.. as his hand strokes my lower back, "Hey, don't you have a girlfriend?"
"I don't have a girlfriend, I am seeing someone but.. she's just, not the one. She's really nice and all, but I'm just dating her because she likes me so much, she's nice and I really have no reason not to, yet. Well not until I move to Texas" as he slyly winks at me.  "So you're just killing time with her?" I ask.. offended and slightly excited?  "I guess, but that sounds terrible" Realizing he's losing any chance with me he flips the switch, "You know, she knows about you. My brother told her once, then she hacked into my account and my phone, she doesn't want me seeing you while I'm here." "Well you fucked that one up already didn't you, I mean, it's day one." I say. "I know, I couldn't not see you" he says.  Just like that.. I'm a goner.

Well.. as luck or fate or hormones would would have it, we end up together.. in the biblical sense, and yet again, AMAZING.

We have plans for the whole trip.. then day two. We see each other briefly.

Day three, I can't find him on Facebook. That asshole deleted me?! Day three - part two, I run into him, livid.. I didn't bother to text him back that day. I confront him in my whiskey induced haze, "did you fucking delete me?"  "No babe, I wouldn't do that, I deactivated my account.. it was something I had thought about doing anyway.. you know, for work."
"While on vacation? Come on bro, I'm not stupid.. good luck with your girl, hope she moves up from the back burner, douche."

Needless to say, that was the end of that, I continued to get wasted and now I write about it.  ---err hypothetically speaking, of course.

First Date Behavior.

My name is Sam, and I've failed you. I'm sorry.

This is a dating blog and I have yet to describe current dating scenarios, that is.. until now. As you may have read, I've attempted to get out there and date more, if not for the torture my Mother gives me by telling me I will die alone, then for the sheer entertainment if gives my friends, and you, of course. I have been on a whirlwind of dates lately. Some good,some decent, some great, actually. The most memorable one evolved into something I didn't expect: being myself. 

I know, that sounds terrible, who else are you supposed to be, right? But what I mean is, on a first date aren't you always trying to be the better version of yourself - which in my case involves an inner monologue like this: "don't talk and chew, do not cuss, cross your legs ...no cross your ankles, whores cross legs - ladies cross ankles.. isn't that what they said in the Princess Diaries, ..princess.. oh that's nice, what would Kate Middleton do? Ohhh to be married, ..can I marry this guy? I wonder what he looks like naked.. no.. stop that Sam, you are a lady.. you will not hook up with him, shit. fuck. can't stop thinking about penis size.. little or big, quit looking at his crotch, you're being obvious. Did you just talk while chewing? Do NOT CUSS. FUCK. don't talk about your family, DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DADDY ISSUES, cross your legs dammit  NO ankles. shit. fuck. DID I JUST CUSS.. again? Fuck. this date is over. Does he hate me? Wait, is that a smile.. oh he loves me."

Do you see why being myself on that date was shocking. I'm a mess, a fucking mess. I've got more going on in my mind than scrambled FM station in BFE. Here's whats even more baffling, he liked me. The whole version of me. I cursed, a lot. Talked about ex's (by accident), my baggage,  my obvious daddy issues -briefly, cursed some more, went over my hatred for "Bros", mentioned being a spinster at weddings lately..I even discussed the amount of creeper dick pics I get. Yes, dick pics. "Do you really get that many?' He asked. "Sadly, yes..but here's my issue" I continued, "Let me preface this comment with; if you send me a dick pic, I reserve the right to show all of my friends... now, why are they never hard? I mean seriously..if you are going to send a dick pic, why wouldn't you at least make sure you were hard? Am I supposed to say..yep, that soft bag of flesh is exactly what I'm missing out on, I'm definitely going to sleep with you, now." I finished. At this point my inner monologue was out of control- screaming at myself for screwing it up... but yet, he leans in and kisses me. I mean, by any other circumstance, I should have been in my sweatpants sans bra on the couch eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's crying my life away because I'm going to die alone while tough-loving myself by re-watching "He's just not that into you" for the billionth time. Instead, he kissed me, told me he was having a great time and was being himself which he didn't expect.  MIND BLOWN. I immediately liked this guy. I was funny, charming, crude, sarcastic.. you know, myself, something only my closest and longest friends get to see.. and this kid witnessed it on day one.. and still liked me? He liked it so much he called the next day. He even joked about it on the following day by saying, "I'm about to send you a soft dick pic, I hear you're into that" ..I mean, could this guy be more perfect? Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves, but still.. he definitely made an impression.

Date two should be interesting. Maybe I'll update you. Maybe I won't.. maybe I'll end up on my couch, in sweat pants eating a tub of Cherry Garcia tough-loving myself for the billionth time, over-analyzing every lesson on "He's just not that into you" which is probably worn out by now..but here's to positive thoughts, right!?

How do you act on a first date?

If you're a bro... I'm a bro

So if you're a reader of this humble little blog you've learned that I prefer dirty musician types of men. It's odd, I'm aware. The clean cut, pastel polo, over grown comb-over does nothing for me. With that said...sometimes we make mistakes.

With this past weeks transgressions I have realized two things are for certain. One, I do not like "bros." Two, I am a "bro." Fuck.

I took a liking to a bro but as a true bro.. once he realized I was returning his flirtiness and had some form of an interest..he pulled back. He started flirting with other girls and would come back to me with some version of "she won't leave me alone" bullshit story. Now.. here is where I realized I am a bro, rather than show my disdain for his behavior (which I still might have, okay I did) I took it a step further. I kept up my flirt game and gave him hope of something more. He and I (along with a group of friends) were all staying together for the weekend so he thought he might get lucky..he thought wrong.

I did a lot of teasing. The night ended very painful and blue for him. I slept like a baby.

That is how you teach a bro a lesson.

Sam-1, Bros -0

For the modern woman -- is a chivette goofy girl.

I gotta get me a goofy girl (55 Photos) - Beautiful-goofy-girls-10

Never Have I Ever

....been the last [wo]man standing at this game.

So unless you have been living under a rock, being anti-social or socially awkward you have played "never have I ever" and if you went to a party school.. you have been drunk playing this game. With that said, I went to the University of Texas. I know a thing or two about drinking games.

The one thing I didn't learn early on, is that it is very crucial NOT to play this game with a crush or someone you would like to date. Well, that is.. if you're me. Right off the bat, the closest friends will be your worst enemies, they know everything.. and since the point of this game is to get others drunk it becomes a "hey I'm just going to throw you under the bus and tell everyone your dirty little secrets and if you don't drink, I will tell everyone the whole story, bestie." Awesome. I will fully admit to throwing a few friends under the bus too, but hey that's the nature of the beast.

Anyway, here is why not to play with a crush... they will judge you. They will look at you differently (if you are any fun at all.) No one wants to date the girl who drinks to "never have I ever had sex in a public place" hypothetically, of course. They may want to do other things with you, but dating isn't one of them. With the same token, here is a list of my go-to questions when playing, so I can figure out what kind of person I'm considering... mind you, I want a little mischief and adventure. If you are lets say, more "conservative" Ahem boring and judgy.. you can use these to weed out prospects, I guess.
*I bet you are playing with Natty light..judgy. 

Never Have I Ever:

1. had sex in a public place
2. had sex on a first date
3. had a threesome
4. cheated on someone
5. had sex with more than one person in one day
6. had sex with two or more people in one week
7. had relations with someone at this table
8. raped someone *dealbreaker, clearly
9. murdered someone *dealbreaker, clearly
10. beat someone up
11. had an STD * you'll want to know this.
12. walked in on my parents
13. masturbated to porn
14. had to sneak off like a thief in the night before the other person woke up
15. slept with a friends boyfriend/girlfriend
16. made a sex tape
17. been arrested
18. stole anything
19. given/received road-head 
20. traded sex for material things

Yes, I know these are mostly sexual..but hey that's the fun in this game. You're welcome!

Now get to playing  you majestic sexual creatures :)

Winging it

This whole "wingman" situation has typically been a bro thing. Here's a little secret, women are amazing wingmen too. We're considerate, funny, supportive (beyond belief), natural talkers and many other amazing things. We're majestic. Period. There has been a few situations where I have served as a wingwoman to some guys, but mostly, here's a dirty little secret.. fellow majestic ladies also have wingwomen. Yep, that's right..sometimes girls go hunting, you will often find them dressed scantily clad, wearing very high heels and in a gaggle of other girls. That's right, a gaggle.

So a few days ago, a friend hit it off with a seemingly nice guy. He was with a friend, naturally my friend tried to pass the friend off on me. Right off the bat, not my type, but I did as any good wingwoman would do, took one for the team. I entertained conversations, hung out with them all night and let him buy me a few drinks (duh). After a bit, the kid grew on me, and it didn't seem so much of a duty, rather, I chose to stick around. Then, .. a friend of mine met up with us. This friend, a man friend with whom I have sexual tension with, put my wingwoman-ness to the test. Here I was... caught in the middle of a man ping-pong game. Not that I'm complaining... I would love to be in this situation more often, but I was torn ..I didn't know how to maneuver this situation.

Option one, be a good wingwoman and let my friend twiddle his thumbs.

Option two, screw being a wingwoman and hang out with my friend. After all, I had completed my duties long enough.

Option three, Ninja my way out of it while not disrupting any of the delicate relationships. 

After some other friends weighed in on what I should do, all responses came down to having to make a choice. I went with option three. If I were a guy, would you ask me to choose? Probably not. So I decided, that I wanted both. I wanted my cake and I'd be damned if I didn't eat it too! I devised a plan, made sure not to be too comfy or flirty with either, I didn't want to lose one...or worse, both. I played it cool toned it down and suggested we move bars, I saw that as an escape, left with one and had my friend be a wingman for me and make up a story about me getting split up/leaving early, whatever. Genius.

How'd it end up? Well, let's just say you can call me a ninja. A majestic freakin ninja.