being a lady...

So in high school you realize that good girls get nowhere.

Then in college you realize that being one of the guys and being profane and crude is more appealing than being a priss.

Now, somewhere in between 20 and 30 you realize.. SHIT i'm supposed to be.. a.. LADY?! First, you're surprised that this idea still exists. Second, your pissed. Third, you try to remember what being a lady was like because the last memory you've had was your mom smacking your hands in church when you were a little girl and telling you to cross your legs and be quiet, "like a lady." --so to me, being a lady is equivalent to "crossing my legs" and "staying quiet". Whoa. mind blown. Thanks Mom.

Now, clearly trying to avoid both these things.. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm attempting to be a very modern lady. So keeping what makes me, me and making that less offensive. Also growing up has real way of ensuring karma finds you. You start to realize a lot of what you judged people for a mere 3-5 years ago is exactly what you crave. Karma is a real bitch.
Examples:

Hey, wanna have sex?
lady translation: Shall we lay together, in the biblical sense?


I'm fucking starving.
"oh, I'm not that hungry, I'll just have a salad."


let's go out and get waaaasted!!!
let's get dinner and maybe a glass of wine. I don't want to get too tipsy.  OR let's go dancing!


Bitch please.
ohh, girl, you are too much.


Eww did that guy just hit on you, he's gross
ohh, did that guy hit on you, does he have a job? oh he does.. you should go out with him. --does he have a brother, or friend? 


She's engaged? WTF we still have all of our 20s.
she's engaged? omg i'm sooo jealous. Does he have any single friends?


You met on Facebook? --ugh
How do I connect my Facebook to my dating profile sites?


Fuck you.
bless your heart


God-damnit-shit-balls-fuck
ohh my word. 


Saturday night raging!
wednesday night dinners?


This is a real problem for me. I am not a lady. I guess... i'll just have to wait around for someone to like me for me. lord help me.

Good Luck Chuck (Sam)

Good Luck Chuck Syndrome: is when after you finish dating someone, and their next bf/gf is the one they end up marrying. The syndrome mostly found amongst women and men in their 20's and 30's. This mostly occurs amongst hopeless romantics, and those that continually search for love. urban dictionary

I have a severe case of GLC Syndrome. To call me perturbed would be an understatement, I am discomposed, constantly anxious, and pathetic. Mostly pathetic. Everyone gets married.. everyone but me. I have had 4 serious relationships and countless affairs. (affairs are a classy way of saying flings, right?) Out of those 4 serious relationships 3 are married. I can't bring myself to check up on the last one because.. I am no masochist.

Not only are those 3 married, but here's how the story goes down. 1st this guy I dated in High School and freshman year of College, who was ---slightly older than me, cheats on me, we break up, get back together, finally break up for good then moves on. So I thought, then this guy comes out of the blue, a couple years later confesses his love for me, apologizes for everything, begs me to take him back and says, "you are the one."  --Being 20 I ran for the hills, because for one, I would never be able to trust someone who cheated on me. Secondly, I don't give second chances often and I sure as hell won't give you a third. Six months later he is married.

Then there was my second serious relationship, who I would consider my first love. I fell hard, fast and hard. So did he.. he however fell out of it at the same pace..meanwhile I was in unicorns and glitter land of eternal love and bullshit. Completely caught off guard by his infidelity (yet again) and sobbed myself dry for 6 months.   A year later guess who come running back... douche. I get this speech about how he took me for granted and finally realized I was "the one". Followed by promises of commitment, unicorns and glitter la la land etc. Sounds vaguely familiar I thought.. Coincidence, I told myself.. followed by a self fulfilling notion of how awesome I am.. and of course they realized they fucked up. Surely.. that was it, because I was nothing but loving to these guys. Right?! I decided that breaking up was a good thing, he could never offer me the life I wanted and I could never trust him. Nine months to a year later he was married.

Next, in my legal drinking age year of debauchery I managed to snag another boyfriend. The year of 21 was a blur but this fella and I had some good times. We were neighbors and blossomed into a budding romance. blah blah blah. This one, I kind of kick myself in the ass for, because it was understood that he would be moving that year and wan't interested in a long distance relationshit. (and yes, RELATIONSHIT.) Being of the female population I ignored this red flag and instead saw this as a challenge. Well, guess who lost. Comes time for him to move, we break up but manage to stay friends. Sometimes, when he came back in town to visit, we were very friendly. We both move on but continue to keep in touch then boom, in the midst of the flirting and reliving good times..metaphorically and physically.. he is dating someone, gets engaged then married with child.  Naturally once I am aware of the engagement/marriage I cut all ties. Then, guess who has repressed feelings. Not me. I start getting frequent messages about how much fun we had together, how amazing I was etc etc. By this time, it wasn't flattering anymore. Instead the more I heard about how amazing I was, it only enraged me. I wanted to neuter every man on the planet and scream at these men who just now realized I was a good catch when they're about to get hitched to someone else. Too little, way too late. Naturally I block this married man from every form of contact and wished him well in his marriage, in case he forgot that he was, indeed married.

These three along with the countless men I have had affairs with that are now married or engaged has led me to believe, I am in fact cursed. I have this Good Luck Chuck Syndrome. I give up. I am at the point of deferring all dating choices to my mother, who has to her benefit warned me about these three men, never once approving of any of them. She made a terrible choice in her own life partner, my father, but that's a whole other blog. I digress. She knows me better than I know myself so I would like to relinquish all future dating decisions to my Mother and maybe I can get sold for a dowry or a goat or something and have the wedding I yearn for. I have excellent references, just call any of the exes above who realized how special I was when they settled for others.

I am doomed. Fucking unicorns and glitter and eternal love la la land of bullshit. Fuck Nicolas Sparks, fuck Celine Dion and fuck Faith Hill &Tim McGraw.

A Guy's Perspective

My friend and Co-worker, Mick and I disagree on just about everything; religion, politics, social issues, music etc. We are complete opposites, he is white, republican, and a man. I am, well, none of those things. The one thing we can agree on (most of the time) is dating. He says men are purposely distant and avoid any sort of conversation that may lead to speaking of commitment. With that said, I couldn't agree more. We also agree that women.. as near and dear to my heart, are crazy. We see terms like, "casual" "low-maintenance" "no strings, fun" as challenges, not literally. This is the biggest disconnect between the two sexes. (Granted there is an exception to every rule. Some girls are very capable of being casual - I think I am one of them, and not all guys are dirtbags, though I've yet to see that for myself.)


These are just some conversations for some intuitive background: 


[on dumping one girl for another or dating both]

Mick says (3:57 PM)

want to d8 or b4n9?

Samantha Ramos says (3:57 PM)

if i were a guy i'd man the fuck up and call

both?

Mick says (3:57 PM)

ya

then text maybe?

[on dating my friends, notice the initial expectancy of "relationship"]

Samantha Ramos says

i'd like to keep my friends.. if i introduce them to you... they'd hate

me

Mick says (10:15 AM)

just for like a month it wouldnt last long

Samantha Ramos says (10:15 AM)

exactly

Mick says (10:15 AM)

quick and painless like tearing off a band aid

[on being "casual"]

Mick  ck says (10:10 AM)

i usually like to keep it really vague, ambiguous and as confusing for the girl as possible

that way she will have to put herself out there if she likes you, but you leave yourself some wiggle room too and then the ball is in your court

Now, I'm not trying to throw  Mick  under the bus at all. He is honest, with me. We help each other out by analyzing the conversations and subtext of our quandaries. I often see the other side of my problems, through him. I can see how it is confusing when a girl says, "yea I'm not looking for anything serious either" -what she really means is, "challenge accepted." or yea, "I don't care if you date other people.." -what she means is, "i'm going to be worse than the CIA and stalk the shit out of you and this supposed other girl, showing you all of my crazy."

So, it's not all guys fault.. though don't hold this against me later. There is a huge disconnect between the subtext of our words. Guys will honestly be more literal. Usually what the say they mean. Girls on the other hand, assume there is more to analyze and will rarely say what they mean. Women will be very careful to mold into what they think or assume the guy wants..presenting the best or altered version of themselves then wonder why it didn't work. Probably because as soon you you dropped the act, shit hit the fan.. then you blame the guy but really if you were just honest about yourself.. you maybe could have spared yourself the pain.

On another hand, how the hell do you get a guy to ..well.. how do you get a guy? If they all are conscious about avoiding anything remotely reeking of commitment ...what do you do? What I've learned from Mick, is that he liked a girl who was just herself from the beginning. She made moves first wasn't afraid to initiate.. was funny and nice. So maybe just doing and saying things  you actually mean is best. Be yourself because at least if you are yourself you won't have to keep an act up. Let's face it, dating is hard enough as it is.. why throw acting in to the mix. 

Satisfactory Life No Longer

Do you remember report cards from elementary school? The ones that didn't have letter grades, instead they had Excellent, Satisfactory and Poor etc.. Do you remember that feeling you had when you got a Satisfactory? (I did get a few, but not many; I was an overachiever as a child) that was the worst feeling..because those of us that did get a rare "S" were never expecting it, we weren't aware of our mediocrity..then some bastard teacher calls us on it. Well my life could be graded as Satisfactory.

I'm far from Poor, I have my health, my family, friends, decent job* (decent is a stretch, but in the times of skyrocketing unemployment, I'm lucky.) I'm not Excellent either, I'm no genius, I don't have a high paying job, I wasn't smart enough to stay away from a Liberal Arts Degree, I'm what you call; single (ouch), I have never been married, I constantly get hurt in relationships and friendships, I'm not the most traveled person, I am in student loan debt (as many of us are)..etc. (this list can go on). So I'm Satisfactory, I'm not poor, not excellent, just stuck in the middle like most of us and I'm sick of it. I lack follow through, I can be described as apathetic to most things, I have a passion for few issues, and on those I make it known. However, I may not actually DO anything about it..I mostly rant. This is my problem and this is what I shall strive to correct. I think there is way for me to be Excellent, the only thing stopping me is ME. Tons of people from a situation such as mine and worse even have made it very far. These people had a drive and follow through and didn't stop because of rejection or an asshole that deters their life plan. NO, they persevered, and so shall I.

I have no clue how to do this, but I do know that if something is important to me...I'm going to do it! So here's my list of things I hope to achieve, do, love etc.

1. Find a CAREER, not a job that makes me happy, that I enjoy (rather than dread).
2. Find a way into the music industry - PR, Marketing, A&R, Management etc.
3. Marry "the one"
4. Earn at least 60k
5. Write and publish a book
6. Travel: NOLA, Bonaroo, sasquatch, Greece, Italy(take my mom), NY, Machu Picchu etc.
7. Move out of state - start over.
8. Do something that scares me once a year
9. Take a massive road trip with close friends
10. Get more tattoos: tree, floral & feather sleeve, something meaningful
11. Resolve my relationship with my Father - for good.
12. Figure out who is really there for me and cherish them. Discard the rest.
13. Quit being such a doormat to people who don't deserve me.
14. Pick the guitar back up - and make it my bitch.
15. Take my Brother snowboarding for his 18th Birthday.
16. Start a College fund the day I get pregnant -if and when I ever do.
17. Volunteer
18. Be more crafty - make things.
19. Own a home. 
20. Do one good deed a day that goes unnoticed.
21. Learn to cook authentic Mexican food from my Grandma, before it's too late.
22. Make a Thanksgiving meal, by myself.

This is all I can think of... for now, but I fully intent to spend my life trying to accomplish the things that truly matter to me, trivial and otherwise. I WILL be a better person, with the life I want..because otherwise, I'm not living.

Another Year Older, None The Wiser...

I turned 25, yay?

I mean, at least I made it to 25, yaaaaaay! (that's more like it.) To commemorate my birth, I decided we should play pub golf. What is pub golf you say? Well, it is basically the world's worst drinking game. Each bar is a "hole" that has a respective par (3, 4, 5) in golf you want to have the lowest score possible, as in this drinking game. Now, to do this, you must drink more and include a dare of my choosing. Now, with that said, I was in control of the rules.. haha. My friends, thank god, were up for the challenge and really gave this a shot. This, did not end well. (Below is the now infamous score card)

It all went south at hole 4. What was I thinking with popsicle martini, what is the popsicle martini you ask?
This:

Not only did I drink this all vodka martini (mixer is the popsicle), I chugged it and chased it with a birthday shot, that some very cute stranger bought me as I awkwardly brought up ATX Hipsters (see score card above.)

This is where the night gets hazy.. aww hell who am I kidding, this is where my memory disappears. Somehow, I made it in to the next bar and apparently, so I'm told, I threw back a shot of Jameson, chugged a beer, flirted with birthday shot boy, invited him to join our pub golf crawl and lost the ability to stand up alone.   Perfect, classy 25th right? Wrong, I not only made a fool of myself and missed cute boys face, I landed on his shoulder, puckered up..then decided to take a little nap there. FUCK! I'm a mess (hence score card title.) That being said, my friends voted me off the island. They literally voted me off, called a cab sent Frankie home with me and put me in bed. Thank God. That level of messiness did not need to be seen by any more strangers.

Next thing I remember is waking up at 7am, immediately I look for my phone, great still there. I then proceed to send everyone this message, "I have no clue what time I left. What I know is I woke up surrounded by napkins, trash can, seltzer water and my purse..so I'm guessing I was wasted..sorry, hope you had fun!!" The responses I received were hilarious. This is how I know my friends are amazing. Thank you all for the fun, the shots and the pain Sunday morning. 25 couldn't have been spent better, you all are amazing! Let's never repeat that night.

she only sexts when she drinks.

My name is Sam, and I am a drunk sexter texter.

Welcome, this club, unlike the secretive and fraternity-like selective group of AA, are not so anonymous. Mostly becuase our disease follows us. We have no choice, even if we wanted to be anonymous, as most normal humans would, we have friends and mistakes that like to remind us of our inebriated ridiculousness.

Now, if you're anything like me, which I'd like to think if we're friends then you are, you also suffer from this problem. I don't know what kind of demon inhabits my body after 3~7 drinks but that little asshole that takes over my mind, body and most importantly, my cell phone...really has it out for me. I lose dignity, respect, the upper hand, you name it. What's worse is that sober, I don't feel the same. (typically.)
I'm sick and tired of being the girl you want to sleep with, not the one you want to date. I'm all grown up and secure with myself. I know what I want and what I don't want. I can see the red flags early on and I am able to steer clear of messy situations, thanks to previous experiences. I am not only learning from my mistakes but I'm in search of getting what I want...with one little exception.

I'm confusing as fuck when I drunk text. 

I know that not all girls will admit this but sometimes we are human too. We aren't just women who were taught to be ladies. We are people with the same hormones, needs and feelings other people have (men). Now, this doesn't really match up with my, "I'm so grown up, I'm the girl you can marry, you should date me" persona I'm trying to portray, but sometimes my disease gets the best of me.

The worst part about this drunk texting situation is the awkward conversations that follow in the sober morning. Nothing will make you feel worse about yourself than seeing what you wrote. It's as if you have two personalities, Dr. Jekel and Mrs. Sexual, if you will. Once you put yourself in this situation of being someones late night drunken text friend, you can't escape this role. You can kiss any real chance at dating this person goodbye. You are no longer an option, instead you are plan B, congrats. You will be the one you're "friend" will start to sext at 1:30 am because they aren't having any luck at whatever bar they're at.

Maybe they're bored one day at work and rather than put in any real effort in talking to someone, they'll text you.. they're may be some glimmer of hope in a non-sexual, "hey, how's your day going" but trust... that sexual undertone is sneaking its way in soon. This leads me to my real problem. I have self sabotaged any real chance I might have had with guys I actually like by engaging in this drunk texting relationship too quickly. Instead of being honest with myself, sober and figuring out what it is I feel for these men, I let myself figure it out in a drunken state. Ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, I don't completely blame myself, because I believe if a guy really likes you and wants to date you, that drunk texting, is just another bonus. Any guy with an interest in a girl who sends them a slightly sexual message would appreciate the gesture. However, a guy with no intent to commit sees this as an excuse or get out of jail free card. He can just as easily blame you and you're messy casual-like messaging as the reason for not leading to anything as his committmentphobic lack of interest.

Ladies (Sam), we must find a way to separate the men we like from the men we casually sext. Because let's face it.. asking a drunk texter to not drunk text is like asking a fish to not swim. Impossible. Rather than let ourselves down with false hope, let's get it together. Let us see men clearly and establish our own feelings first. I shall now categorize my phone by First name, Last nameDNS (Do Not Sext). This shall solve all my problems. Granted, that's if my alter ego, Mrs. Sexual allows it. On another note, I will no longer speak to anyone who unprovokingly drunk texts me. I now understand that if they only message me in the sexual late night manner, they most likely have no interest in dating me. Rather than reciprocate, to fill in a boyfriend-ish void, I will no longer participate. That ship has sailed. If you cannot talk to me on the phone or message me at a decent hour without any liquid courage and better yet cannot speak to me without any sexual subtext, then I have no business speaking to you. I have enough friends and I'm not in the market for new ones.

Tis the year of kicking the sexting habit. Here's to not hating myself and my phone in the morning. Cheers!

My Mom Hates Me.

Like all my trips home, I kept it short and sweet.. but my Mother had other plans. She was dead-set on "teaching me a lesson" or what I like to think of as "breaking my spirit." Difference of opinion, to say the least. First, she pushes the weight button, but since I've been working out.. she didn't say a thing, in mom-code this is a good thing. She will pick at me if I look 5 pounds heavier but never pat me on the back or job well-done if I look good. Second, she asks how my dating life is going, "are you still seeing that one guy..?" No mom, I told you..he wasn't really my type..etc. Finally, she gives me the kiss of death, "well Sam, you know..you may just have to accept the fact that you'll NEVER get married. Maybe you'll just end up alone like your aunts. It's not a bad life..but relationships and marriages are about sacrifice, and well..you aren't willing to make them, obviously." "You should focus your attention on your little cousins and pray you get a neice or nephew to take care of you...since you'll be alone."

FUCK. My mom really has a way with words, doesn't she. I asked her why she would ever say that to me. To prepare me, she says. As if my expectations weren't low enough..now I should expect to die alone, perfect.

Naturally I am worried, what does it mean if your mom gives up hope? Am I doomed? Am I really destined to be a spinster lonely bitter woman? God I hope not. Now I'm worried but don't get me wrong, I don't think I will end up alone, because I love, Love. I love being in relationships (despite what previous blogs may portray). I thoroughly enjoy having that person you can come home to and share all of your meaningless day to day details with, having that emotional connection with someone who just gets you and knows when to kiss you or when not to kiss you and just rub your back. I like having a lover, an activity partner, a confidant, a partner and best friend all in one. I don't think the problem lies in not being able to sacrifice or being too picky; which was my mother's final concern.. and here's why:

I dated a hippie, a bum with no ambition, a drop-out, a pot-head, drug dealing low life, man-child who refuses to grow up, and countless other no-good men; these are just the oh so dreamy and irresistible men who I've been in serious relationships with.  Obviously, being picky or "too choosy" is not the problem, if anything, quite the opposite. I should be more picky.. set my standards a little higher even.

So is it really that I can't or won't make sacrifices? Now, I'm no saint but I'd like to think I'm pretty giving and supportive so I really, honestly, truly do not believe that this is the issue. Like I said before, the types of guys I've dated are so different and the amount of sacrifice needed to sustain those relationships was far more than anyone should have to make. Granted, they weren't all bad (during the course of our relationships) they also made sacrifices like showering regularly, for me and well.. hygiene *yes, I'm referring to the hippie.

I feel like I've gone above and beyond the call of duty that is expected from a girlfriend and willingly too. I am a giver, with relationships and friendships. I enjoy being there for the people I care about, emotionally and physically. I've always been the person people talk to and unload, I accept this duty with open arms, so it is really hard for me to believe that the reason I am alone or according to my mother, will die alone, is because I am unwilling or incapable of making sacrifices.

With that said, I'm back to square one. Why the hell am I still single? Why do I end up dating these terrible men who leave me heartbroken? Is it me, is it them, is some uncanny instinct for picking the worst men? Is it something about me that is so vulnerable that even the "nicest guys" can take advantage of me? I have no idea, but I refuse to give up hope. because then I'll really be alone. Instead I just have to keep the faith and believe in myself and trust that I know what is best for me.
I feel like I'm a little wiser now and recognize signs I have never noticed before. I'm also, for the first time paying attention to these signs. If I've learned anything from my failed relationships, it is to trust my instincts and stop making excuses for men, letting the little things go, that aren't really little things at all. I may not give someone a second thought, but if I do this it is because I am not willing to settle for the sake of being with someone. I want it all. I want eternal love, I want for someone to love me as much as I love them. I want someone to WANT to spend their life with me, and if you aren't that person, I refuse to give you a piece of my heart, because there really isn't much left.

So, here's hoping I don't die alone. Pray for me please.