26 Reasons Why People are the Worst

1. People ask you how you are but really don’t care. We all know this and accept it as a general rule of social interaction.

2. Even worse, when people TELL YOU everything when you were just observing the rule just mentioned.

 

3. Small talk: where you ask the same questions and have to answer the same questions when seeing any acquaintance anywhere or worse, when meeting new people. If your good friends try to engage in small talk, get rid of them

4. People who don’t use turn signals when driving

5. Slow walkers

6. Screaming children

7. Parents of screaming children who do nothing – they are immune and tuned out, THE REST OF US are not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. People who answer their phones at the movies – it’s not that important

9. Friends who betray you

10. Friends who you gave a second chance, who BETRAY YOU AGAIN?!?!

11. When people call you and pretend to be interested in how you’re doing only to vent or talk about their own lives or feelings. Just say, “hey I really need to talk” don’t bullshit me with your fake concern for my life.

12. Having to bite your tongue at work because you really need your job

13. Gym rats who judge you

14. People who project their obsessions and insecurities (not necessarily related, but often are) on other people

15. Cheating, humans who cheat ARE THE WORST

16. Not understanding Girl/Guy code and trying to justify your crimes against the sacred code

17. Women who say, “Guys are just less drama, All my friends are guys, girls don’t like me for some reason” YOU. YOU ARE THE REASON. Ovaries before brovaries, betch

18. When a man uses the term, “females” to refer to women

19. When your friend who is constantly on a diet eats a salad as you proceed to inhale the left side of the menu and wash it down with 4 beers, as they sip water

20. When YOU are on a diet and order a salad and your friend proceeds to inhale the left side of the menu and wash it down with 4 beers, as you sip water.

21. When you just want to go dancing and no one wants to go

22. When you’d rather Netflix than go to the same bar with the same people and drink the same thing and have the same conversations you’ve had 23438 other times

23. When the person you are having a conversation with decides now is the best time to text on my phone and check all my messages and bullshit internet farm/village/castle or whatever the shit.

24. When people invite you to a imaginary farm/village/castle/sock game and you’re like WTF, no thanks, too busy living my life in the real world.

25. People who would rather hinder the happiness of complete strangers because it makes THEM uncomfortable

26. People who use religion to justify the afore mentioned - as they, like everyone else, continues living in sin. THEY ARE THE ACTUAL WORST

Soooooo... yea, people are the worst and I am going into hiding.

Will Marry for Green Card

Dating in your late twenties might as well be the Hunger Games. Well, that might be a little extreme but that's how I feel. There's no one left, where are they?! It's like every time I find someone who has potential... something weird happens and I can hear the cannon, then I know it's over. One less body in the game, and I'm that much closer to dying alone.

 I have issues, I'm aware but what's most terrifying is that people with way more serious issues have already found someone to accept them, and mine, while still existent but way less terrifying can't seem to trick anyone to stick around. That, and well.. sometimes I just give up on them. Okay, most of the time. I don't like to settle. I know what I want and more problematic (in my case) is that I know what I don't want.

I am always in my head, over-analyzing everything. I mean everything, from the situation, to the text they sent or didn't send, to the word choice and how that means so soooo much more, to their choice in music, movies etc. I can't just have a conversation like a normal person. When you say something like, "I don't know, I don't really have a favorite band.. I kind of listen to everything" I hear, "I have commitment issues, I don't care enough about anything to have a strong feeling, I'll probably leave you for someone who needs saving and makes me feel like a big strong man, and I don't think music is that important (clearly a deal breaker.)"
If you say something like, "I don't really like to go out." I hear, "I am a serial killer, I have social anxiety, I'm socially awkward and/or I'm too broke to go out, I'm technically homeless.. do you have a few bucks for food?"

You see what I mean, don't even get me started on emoji choices?! Ok, so the winky face emoji, everyone knows is basically porn. But when used with kind of a passive aggressive dig, I assume it's like saying, "this is what I really think, but this little winky face emoji is going to soften the blow." So, now I hate the winky face emoji. Any heart or kissy emoji, if used to soon, makes me think one of two things:
One, you are desperate and have so many feels, and I can't. I CAN'T. Your feels make me uncomfortable and I feel like less of a woman, why am I so cold? I just can't.
Two, SEX. All you want is sex and the emoji is doing your dirty work. So fuck you and your stupid trampy emoji face, because I am NOT that kind of girl... anymore. Unless I'm going through a dry spell, in which case, I will save your number and probably sit on your face, but I definitely won't date you.

So if and when I ever do make it to a first date I've basically already seen our future, I already know 50 ways this will end. And only about 4 of those ends happily. Most of them end up in me being hurt, cheated, dead, murdered, in jail, depressed and more often than not... still single. So when someone suggests meeting up in a few days to go on a date, there's a 60% I will cancel, because, "I already know how this will end." You have given me waaaaay too much time to plot out our demise. This can only make things worse, how am I supposed to fall in love if I'm "wasting" my time with someone who clearly is not the one. What is wrong with me?! How is dating so easy for people? I have to basically be the complete opposite of myself, and be at least two drinks in to even stand a chance at a normal conversation. I have to consciously tell myself that those scenarios aren't real. That I am not doomed, and that this person is a stranger, not the character I have just won a Pulitzer Prize for in my head.

Ugh.. this would be so much easier if I just married someone for a green card and then we eventually fell in love. Any hot foreigners out there? Seriously though.

They Don't Call it a Job for Nothing

This one is dedicated to all the overly eager, selfish, lackluster partners who are just doing it wrong. Probably in life, but definitely at being a decent recipient of the most treasured gift; oral pleasure. Rather than thank your lucky stars, you make girls (or boys) everywhere want to stop putting things in their mouth. This is for you, and the fate of your future fellatio.

First off do not ask or beg for a blowie. It's unbecoming and frankly... makes you look pathetic, also we immediately decide at that moment to not give you one for being so thirsty.  I mean seriously, if it's going to happen, let your partner offer.

Now when things are getting hot and you are in full blown make out session and clothes are starting to come off; more often than not guys have the audacity to just whip it out and put it right there, all up in your face. Like we don't see it. I'm sorry, but no. Just no. You're not sly, I can see you moving, inching up trying to get your penis eye level. It isn't coy or cute, it's infuriating. No one wants to look the one eyed monster directly in the eye. No one. It looks so angry.
Guys are so transparent. Maybe just maybe if you were as eager to please your partner you wouldn't have to try so hard to get, well... Hard.

Alright so you've played your cards right.. It's happening. You are feeling all the good feels. Life is great. You are on top of the world.. And then you think; because you are a man and incapable of being content, rather you feel the need to fulfill every insatiable desire, "it could be a little better ...or deeper? I'm just gonna guide her..." NO. DO NOT TOUCH OUR HEADS. If you are lucky enough to be at this stage you have won the lottery, but again because you are selfish, you make the rookie mistake of trying to attain the soulless witchcraft you see in porn by "gently" forcing your partner to "deepthroat" you. You don't deserve a blowie. Instead you deserve the blue balls you will most definitely get once we stop. And trust me, if your partner has to wave your hand away from their head more than once, it will stop. Maybe for a long, long time. Sorry, we aren't sorry. Maybe you should stop watching so much damn porn because let me tell you, fellatio is not fun for us. Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing. So take your sorry ass, wannabe porn moves, to some little trollop who will pretend to "loooove giving head" to keep you for a few weeks. But remember, she's also seen her fair share of penises... and she's rehearsed that little speech before, and well... there's the practice.

I don't see what's so hard about receiving a blow job, you literally do not have to do anything. Nothing, there is nothing for you to do, yet you guys just keep fucking it up. Have you ever noticed that when you are giving the gift of magic to a woman, otherwise known as cunnilingus she does nothing. No words, no bullshit pretzely yoga looking moves brought to you by porn, no forcing of your head, maybe there is direction or occasional screams of pure, unadulterated ecstasy, but that's it. For the most part we just lay back and enjoy. TAKE A HINT.

Maybe next time, see what kind of oral reciprocation you can offer your partner and the more frequent you are successful at it, the more blowies you'll receive, without having to ask, beg, or covertly suggest. I know we get a lot of shit for being so complicated and never saying what we mean and blah blah bullshit chauvinist agenda.. but women are simple creatures, really. We want to be treated well. When we are, we treat you well.
If you don't, I'm currently on a mission to start a movement, that movement is sitting on your goddamn face. Half the time I do it for pleasure, the other half, is to shut you the fuck up. So now you can know what it feels like to just have it happen to you, instead of offering.

Ever heard that saying, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." I'm just saying.

Ladies, am I right? Gents, you're welcome.

Knock Knock.

As most of you know, i've recently returned home, tail between legs and all. I've been living back home for about 3 months now and it is just as bad as you think it might be. I will say though, that this homecoming has brought a great job with upward movement and earning potential as well as, wait for it... RELOCATION. Praise! Also, it has brought some good family time and reconnecting with some of my oldest and dearest friends, as well as those randoms from high school you ignore on social media.. but alas, now you unable escape them. Not a fan. Anyway, the hardest part of it all is the lack of privacy and independence. I don't know why or when it happens exactly, but I went from this self sufficient, make-shit-happen, badass to, "Mommmm, I'm hungry can you make me an omelette. Pleasssseee!" I mean one second I'm telling my parents how I have a handful of recipes in my wheel house and then i'm 12 years old again with no knowledge of how to turn on a stove. That was mostly the first 6 weeks. Thankfully I've snapped out of it. I'm not gonna bullshit you, it was mostly because I am 26 and I have the metabolism of a 26 year old drunkard who eats burgers at 2am. I am not 12, and my decrepid metabolism reminds me every day. Regardless, I am back on my clean eating kick and cooking for myself. I've been an almost strict paleo follower for about 3 weeks now. It is a real bitch, but it is finally getting easier. It doesn't help that my house is crawling with sweets. Donuts, cookies, ice cream, candy.. tortillas. I mean, it's everywhere!  You know, it's getting worse, and I don't doubt that my devilish mother, who I often refer to as Satan, is doing it on purpose. She sees me struggling with Paleo, so what does she do, buys THREE kinds of donuts a week now. THREE.

Then there is the whole lack of privacy. That is the worst. I had a roommate before, sure. But we were respectful of eachother's pricavy and we didn't share a wall. ....you see where I'm going with this? Here is the real issue and the cause of all my problems. It has been so long, since I have felt the weight of a man on top of me. Too long. Why don't I just go and fix that situation you ask? Well for one, I've moved on from that stage in my life, believe it or not. Seriously, though. I don't want a hookup, and if I did, it would be with someone I trust and one I have a precedent with, those are all back in Austin.. so, so far away. "Well, fine - meet someone then" you say? No. The valley is infested with tools. Mexican macho, "woman-make-me-a-sandwich" douchebags of epic proportions. I want no part in that. Even if I could get past it, I just haven't seen anyone remotely my type that would excite my lower half. Winter, alone, with no love was brutal. I'm talking John Snow north of The Wall, brutal.  (<--GOT reference: maybe that's why I'm not getting laid?)

So what is a girl to do? Well, like I said, Ive returned to my former self: self-sufficient, make-shit-happen, badass. But there is nothing more depressing then having to lock your door at 26, for fear of your parents walking in on you. I leave you with that. My life, for every positive step I take forward, I take 3 miserably depressing embarrassing steps back.

When life gives you lemons...

When life gives you lemons.. book a flight to NYC by yourself and EAT ALL OF THE PIZZA!

So, recently I've been going through some struggles: financially, professionally, romantically (always) and personally, I've identified and rectified my own struggle with being to comfortable and complacent. Listen, I know how easy it is to make excuses for not shaking it up a little, but when it became less fun for me I knew I had to do something about it. I made new friends, reconnected with old friends, tried harder at shallow friendships and completely changed my routine. I picked up some hobbies, like running and yoga, got out of town a lot, quit looking for men; because let's be honest, when you're looking you find scum. Finally, the big push was realizing that it is OK to go home. I never though I would be moving back home, but I've decided, that right now, it might be for the best. I want to go home, gather myself, make and save some money, maybe make a dent in my student loans, travel some more, consider grad school, grow up a little, then when I'm ready, move to Denver/NYC/Cali/ATX who knows (leaning towards Colorado). Either way, it is not permanent, I want to just go with the flow and follow whatever path I make for myself or the universe interrupts me with, because the universe is one nosy bitch.

On this cusp of my semi-adult decision before the calm, in the midst of a full mental breakdown, I knew that I just needed something to look forward to, which is where this solo trip to NYC started. Luckily, I have great friends and family out there so I will have a place to stay and people to roam and eat with, who else is going to instagram for me? This trip could not come at a better time, in just 2 days I will be in Manhattan, eating, drinking, getting some culture, hipstering it up a little and mostly, just being plain fabulous. I have to say, this new found inner peace and complete Carpe Diem attitude of mine, is pretty amazing and it's a shame it only happened under extreme stress and loss of emotional stability but hey, you know what, I'm just going to ride this wave... because YOLO bitch.

To be continued post NYC....

(it was almost inspiring, ruined it with YOLO, right?)

How To Have a Good Night.

1. Wear something cute and comfortable, if you have any doubts on those heels honey, switch em out. Walking barefoot to your car is not a good look. 
2. Going out with the intention to "meet someone" will ensure you have a miserable time, and you'll probably meet the king of douches, just to satisfy your goal. Nothing good happens and your standards disappear. 
3. If there is a drunk crier in your group, leave the bitch at home.
4. Lipstick. Trust me.
5. Gum. Always. 
6. Sugary drinks, don't. 
7. Dance whenever possible. No dance floor? No problem, make your own. Seriously though, standing around isn't fun. 
8. If you have a tolerance, stay somewhere between 3-5 drinks. Don't be a slob-ka-bob, but don't be a wet blanket either. (personally, this is my problem, I never know which drink will be the one to send me over the edge. Not a good look for me.)
9. Deal with your drama BEFORE going out - whatever it may be, and don't talk about it anymore. NO one, not even your bestie will want to try and understand your crisis over the DJ while you're screaming to her.
10. Sometimes you have compartmentalized friends - don't try and make your study friends your party friends - don't mix groups. 
11. Friends don't let friends leave 6th st without Pizza.  (ok, some of you are watching your weight or whatever.. but still. come on, just one slice.)
12. Unless it's your birthday or Bachelorette - don't dance on the bar. Just don't.
13. If you feel like your weekends are getting too monotonous, try something new, go to a different part of town, different bars, or ... scavenger hunt! Make it fun.
14. Go home at a decent time. Nothing good can happen after 2am. (personal choice/experience)
15. HAVE FUN! It's a choice, always. Choose to be in the moment and choose to make the best out of everything. 

Give less of a shit.

Well, it's been a minute, hasn't it? I've been busy, life happens, I was in a slump, etc etc. bullshit excuse goes here. Sorry about it.

Through this time of blogging silence, I have learned a few things. One, it is for certain, I will die alone. Two, I am too comfortable. I need to shake it up and be uncomfortable. I go to the same places with the same people and do the same things. Heck, I even drink and eat the same things. Ruby Red and water, Vodka-water with lemon, Mexican Martinis (if you don't know what this is, you're not from Austin and you should Google it), and Tex Mex food. I need to break out of this funk. Move out of this city possibly, make noise, leave a mark, stand for something, volunteer, dance alone in public, give less of a shit.. you know?  Complacency is no joke, its the silent killer. Killer of spirit, soul, and dreams. I've realized, that more than men, I, am my worst enemy. I allow myself to continuously get hurt, and in the words of Hannah Horvath, "get my heart stomped on like monkey meat." I need to put an end to it. I cannot keep doing this to myself. That being said, I am on a mission to make myself uncomfortable, but not in like a rape-y sketch situation, just in the sense that I am going to push my boundaries. I will (try to) no longer shy away from things because it might be awkward or because I'm nervous, or because I don't know what I will look like, or how people will look at me. Screw 'em! Everyone puts so much emphasis on first impressions, me more than anyone, and to a fault. I am so in my own head about how I'm acting that it becomes almost an act, a bad one, but an act nonetheless. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still myself but I'm so aware and nervous that I get lost in my head.

From now on I'm going to be present, in the moment, oblivious to other's perceptions and unapologetic about it. At least, ...I'm gonna try! These are the things I think will help me:

1. Mix it up, try a different bar, maybe spend more time on the East side or Rainey St. 
2. Exotic new restaurants - or new to me at least
3. Dance in public, by myself. On the street or something maybe in an elevator ... I'm gonna go crazy. --I had this thought of recording it, or having a friend record me.. and sort of document my journey to give less of a shit. Nothing helps you overcome giving a shit like pure humiliation. 
4. Date more. Date the right kind of guys  - as in the opposite of the ones that I'm immediately attracted to.  
5. Or not date at all. And not dwell on it - give less of a shit. 
6. Surround myself with people who are genuine
7. Quit worrying so much about how I look and just accept my body, face, hair etc. 
8. Limit my spending and save money to travel. Anywhere, Somewhere.
9. Read more. 
10. Invest time in writing. 
11. Quit talking about and go after it. all the things. 
12. Get back in to yoga and running
13. Volunteer